My heart and the hearts of other military spouses go out to you, Shannon. We do not go to war, but we suffer with the fallout in our own way, different but in tandem with our combat-veteran spouses. As you have experienced, your husband's trauma affects your whole family. 

Although you feel alone, there is help for military spouses. My advice would certainly be to find a trusted counselor. One-on-one, face-to-face couseling is available at no cost to you through Military One Source. Call 1-800-342-9647 to talk with someone who will guide you through the process. You will be referred to a professional counselor in your area. (Click here for more information about In Person Counseling.)

It is important to speak with someone who is familiar with military life and its traumas. Please connect with trusted friends and family, a chaplain or other minister, and let them know what you are going through. It is important to reach out, and you have taken the first step. Keep reaching out. There are people who do care and want to help you.

Please write to me here or at spousecalls@stripes.com and let me know how you and your family are doing.

Sincerely,

Terri

Mary,

I can't tell you if the behaviors you describe are caused by post traumatic stress disorder or not. Only a professional can make that diagnosis. What conflict was your fiance involved in pre-1986 that caused PTSD? Has he been diagnosed with PTSD, or does he admit that he is affected by it?

My very first advice to you is take a giant step back. Any ties you have to this man are your choice from day one. He is not your husband, and he is not the father of your daughters. In this instance, your first responsibility is to protect your girls and provide a healthy environment for their lives.

You said he criticizes them also. Eight and eleven are tender ages. Girls at any age need so much positive reinforcement, and father figures are important. Perhaps you think they need a father in their lives, but if the primary male influence is a source of criticism and disrespect to you and toward them, the damage to their self image could be far reaching. Their respect for you could also be diminished, if they see that you allow this man to treat you poorly. They may grow up expecting men to treat them poorly, believing they do not deserve anything better. They certainly do, and so do you!

The frequency of your arguments or whether you agree with his criticism is not the point at all. The issue here is his respect and treatment of you and your daughters. The absence of violence or name calling does not make it okay for him to make you and your daughters the object of his critical attitude. Damage is still being done.

The fact that he won't even discuss counseling is a measure of his lack of commitment to you, especially if he is blaming his bad behavior on PTSD and yet refusing to get treatment. That is not the attitude of a man who loves and honors you and your daughters. If you are concerned about his well-being, this behavior is not healthy for him either.

My best advice to you is to remove yourself and your girls from this relationship, and tell this man that if the three of you are important, and if he wants you in his life, then he must get treatment for his problems, whether PTSD, anger management or conflict resolution. Please don't consider marriage to him until you can see long-term improved behavior.

There is no reason to settle for such poor treatment in this relationship. If even he is advising you to see if you can find someone better, you should take that advice. There are men out there who treat their loved ones much better.

You have every right to expect better from a man who loves and cherishes you and your daughters. You sound like a strong, loving woman with so much to give. I hope that your fiance recognizes what he stands to lose and gets help for his own sake and for yours. If he refuses, then you should not try to save him from himself at the expense of your precious daughters and yourself.

Sincerely, Terri