Thank you for your recent post. I have been doing a lot of research on this and I would love to help others I've finally recognized it isn't me but I just hate my husband left me that still hurts I miss him a lot. What concerns me is all the medications he is on, it seems to me they just put our soldiers on alot of meds and then just turn them loose. He lives in the Malone House but he isn't under any supervision I am really afraid for his safety and I hope I don't ever get that phone call. I am sorry I'm not a doctor but all those meds together can't be good for anyone. I just don't know what to do he has shut me out of that area of his life we still talk occassionally but he won't go into detail about his life that is very hard for me to imagine how he is living and functioning. My concerns are genuine I love my husband and always will, i just need to know he is safe. I don't think he will ever come back home and through the Lords help I'll get through this, i just hope he can. Again thanks for your time

Just wanted to keep you up to date on my situation. My husband is just so different, i sent him a picture of Me and our dogs. He said they look so happy and i finally asked what he thought about me and he says I looked cute. That crushed me but oh well. Also i have a pituitary tumor and it is growing and my Thyroid is all messed up he doesn't even ask about my health it saddens me sometimes to the point of depression but i snap out of it somehow. I'll always love him because he is my heart but i have to take care of myself. Sometimes I just want to get in my car and drive to Washington but I am so afraid of him not wanting me there. I just can't understand how someone who I thought loved me so much can shut me out of his life as his wife. He does still call sometimes but usually it is me that calls because i just have to know how he is doing. I think i am going to quit doing that because i have to take care of myself now. He doesn't care about me why should I care about him.

For information and support, please join us in the aftermath of war, coping with ptsd too.

http://groups.msn.com/AftermathofwarcopingwithPTSDtoo/welcome.msnw

The Aftermath of War

We found a wounded veteran,

And held him in our hearts.

We've seen the bravest soldier,

Break down and fall apart.

Yet we love our heroes,

Like no other has before.

We're the wives of combat veterans,

In the Aftermath of War.

We had to learn the hard way,

When coping with PTSD,

That their war is never over,

And freedom is never free.

We bandage up their broken hearts,

The best we can each day.

We see the scars upon their souls,

That never go away.

Knowing we can't heal the wounds,

That cut their very core.

We're just trudging through the trenches,

In the Aftermath of War.

We've seen them lose their faith in God,

And in the human race,

As they try to hide the anguish,

That's still written on their face.

We've witnessed all the symptoms,

That they're not willing to admit.

We've dodged the screaming bullets,

And been crawling in the [expletive].

We've felt the anger, guilt and blame,

Of these men that we adore.

As we stumble on the battlefield,

In the Aftermath of War.

Each day we share the horrors,

Of a pain they can't forget,

And we feel we lived through combat,

Because we love a vet.

But we are all survivors,

And we're learning how to cope.

Hanging on with all our might,

Just holding onto hope.

And our soldier's heart will cry out,

That they couldn't love us more.

Because we're sitting in their foxhole,

In the Aftermath of War.

By Chris Woolnough

He doesn't care about me why should I care about him.

Hi Shannon,
It really hurts when they shut us out! Big hugs. I'm sorry you are suffering with health problems too. The stress you are under certainly contributes to thyroid function too! (stress affects every bodily system, and when you suffer from physical illness, it intensifies the symptoms) I haven't met your husband, but I would guess he loves you. PTSD is an explanation, not an excuse. Emotional constriction, being unable to express loving feelings, is part of the ptsd symptomology. I understand it feels really personal. In my experience, I learned that it's really difficult for our veterans to cope with our illnesses.(and even our tears, that's why it's vital that we have our own support system in place) It reminds them of buddies, wounded, or dying, on a battlefield. When the fear seems overwhelming, it's human nature to shut down. Avoidance of things that remind them of the war is another aspect of ptsd. I bet fear of more loss is keeping him at a distance. Most vets that I know are pretty numb due to ptsd. My friend Patience Mason says "Some of us have paid a heavy price for loving a veteran, we think he's worth it." PTSD families have suffered a lot of losses. Allowing ourselves to grieve is part of the healing process.
I would be concerned about all the medications he is on too. You're right, mixing all those drugs can't be good for anyone. As well as the symptoms of ptsd, there may be real physiological explanations for his lack of feeling. Scientists haven't tested the combination of drugs they give our wounded vets on rats, so it seems like they are using our nations heroes as guinea pigs. These drugs in combination can be really toxic, like poison! Antidepressants for example, are called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. They aren't really selective at all. They are designed to give patients a pause button. The consequence is that they numb all feelings, even some really good ones! Very often, they prescribe antipsychotic drugs for ptsd too. If they are doing that to your vet, they are prescribing it off label. (and you can sue the government for medical malpractice!) Antipsychotic drugs come with some very serious side affects, including death. PTSD is also a central nervous system disorder in my opinion. Not so much a mental one. The autonomic nervous system is injured by stress and the fight or flight system works in over drive. Antipsychotic drugs also have a side affect called tartive dyskinsia, which affects people neurologically. The tremors and ticks they cause are permanent, even if you stop taking the drugs! The risk of these serious side affects are increased when combined with other medications, like antidepressants. (the manufacturers warn against prescribing them in combination, but the doctors seem to ignore the warnings) So yes, it is really scary when they invalidate our soldiers suffering from drugging up their symptoms. Especially when ptsd is a normal reaction to overwhelming stress! I suffer from ptsd of my own from living with a combat ptsd veteran. Personally, I like to listen to my symptoms, that's what they are there for, to lead me in the direction of healing.The symptoms of ptsd serve a purpose. You can't heal what you can't feel. I am so very sorry they are causing more suffering than is necessary in your family. If you would like, please join us in the aftermath of war. We are a group of wives/loved ones who live with the affects of ptsd on our lives. We share our experience, strength, and hope in the aftermath of war. I post information to help normalize the affects of ptsd on your lives too.The number one predictor of recovery from trauma is social support. Social support during times of crisis is also a powerful buffer toward the development of ptsd. (The tumor you are facing is a risk factor for the development of your own ptsd, it would be markedly distressing for ANYONE!) Our site also has a veterans alert that gives INFORMED consent when medicating ptsd.I believe in educating the consumer. Do your own homework so you can weight the benefits against the risks. It's always a good idea to listen to your fears. That vicarial fear in the pit of your stomach is there for a reason. It's okay to let it be your guide. Knowledge is power my dear sister of the heart. I love you. Please remember you are not alone. There are many of us just like you in the aftermath of war. Big healing hugs and all my love, Chris

My loved one is suffering from ptsd. He is actively seeking help and is doing what he can to get better. He can be very withdrawn at times and can easily shut me out if he felt overwhelmed. It is very difficult to understand what he's going through. I made some research of my own on how to cope and help him at the same time. It made a big difference. It is less painful now that i can understand his behavior better. He is very loving and supportive of me. I let him be alone if he needs to. Based on the cases i've read so far, i think he is not the worse case. He too understands the difficulties i have with him. I suffer on my own and i don't let him be aware of it since he got too many on his hands to deal with already. I am hoping that he will continue to get better. I will continue to love him and be there for him no matter how long it takes.

You are so fortunate your husband hasn't shut you out of his life. That is what mine has done after 18 years of marriage. But if he were to call me today and need me I would be there for him. I never thought it could get this bad. I don't think he even realizes what he is doing and the hospital has him on so much medication i don't think that is helping at all. He asked me to stay out of his life that is what i have had to do. i have my own health issues and I also have to take care of myself. I hate the thought of him just floundering around in Washington, DC but if he doesn't want me around him then what should I do? I do call on occassion and check on him and let him know I LOVE HIM but that is all i can do. Good luck to you and your husband.

Chris,

I just got off the phone with my husband he is in golf tournament today in Norfolk, VA. I am just puzzled how can that be he is supposed to be in treatment. I feel like i don't even know him. There is a part of me that just wants to go to Washington and get to the bottom of this, but I don't want to make my husband angry. He will soon be medically discharged he doesn't know what he is going to do with his life and it's like he doesn't care about the future, that is nothing like him. I just really am very lost right now and don't know where to turn. I don't understand he is only a couple of hours from home and doesn't even give me the time of day. That is why a part of me just wants to walk away but something keeps telling me that something is wrong here. I just have a really bad feeling and i am really needing some answers. Any suggestions. I believe there may be someone else in his life.

Hi sissy,
Not caring about the future, part of the symptoms of ptsd is a sense of a foreshortened future, that means survivors can't see themselves living a long life, having a family, etc. My veteran sounds a lot like yours. Since he came home from Vietnam, he has been certain he wouldn't live very long, wouldn't live to see his children grow, etc. Thank God he's still with us.
Playing golf in treatment is a good thing sissy. The first rules of recovery are establishing a sense of safety and control. The second part of recovery is reconstructing the traumatic history and making sense of it. The third stage of recovery is reconnecting with community and reestablishing a NORMAL life. Our lives with ptsd are normal because our vets have symptoms of a dis-ease. It's a good rule of thumb not to do too much digging into the past until the here and now is safe and secure. It's a good idea to have them out playing sports even during treatment.
I understand it hurts to be left out of the loop sissy. Is there any way you can get some help for yourself in the mean time. I have found that the best thing I can do for myself is take really good care of me. While he's away, I learn and grow, reconnect with a community, and reestablish my own normal life. All this helps for when he comes back home. The more educated you are about his dis-ease, the better it will be. What's more important for me is understanding my reactions and feelings. I can't fix or change him. And, if it turns out that he doesn't come back, which I doubt will happen, the worst thing that could happen is that you grew in the process. I understand this is really difficult. My heart goes out to you. What do you do to take really good care of yourself? Do you have a support network? People to talk to who understand ptsd and how your life has been changed/affected? The number one predictor of recovery from trauma is an intact, social support system. Support during times of crisis is also a powerful buffer toward the development of ptsd. Take care of you angel face. You deserve to recover too! I love you, Chris

Hi sissy,
Not caring about the future, part of the symptoms of ptsd is a sense of a foreshortened future, that means survivors can't see themselves living a long life, having a family, etc. My veteran sounds a lot like yours. Since he came home from Vietnam, he has been certain he wouldn't live very long, wouldn't live to see his children grow, etc. Thank God he's still with us.
Playing golf in treatment is a good thing sissy. The first rules of recovery are establishing a sense of safety and control. The second part of recovery is reconstructing the traumatic history and making sense of it. The third stage of recovery is reconnecting with community and reestablishing a NORMAL life. Our lives with ptsd are normal because our vets have symptoms of a dis-ease. It's a good rule of thumb not to do too much digging into the past until the here and now is safe and secure. It's a good idea to have them out playing sports even during treatment.
I understand it hurts to be left out of the loop sissy. Is there any way you can get some help for yourself in the mean time. I have found that the best thing I can do for myself is take really good care of me. While he's away, I learn and grow, reconnect with a community, and reestablish my own normal life. All this helps for when he comes back home. The more educated you are about his dis-ease, the better it will be. What's more important for me is understanding my reactions and feelings. I can't fix or change him. And, if it turns out that he doesn't come back, which I doubt will happen, the worst thing that could happen is that you grew in the process. I understand this is really difficult. My heart goes out to you. What do you do to take really good care of yourself? Do you have a support network? People to talk to who understand ptsd and how your life has been changed/affected? The number one predictor of recovery from trauma is an intact, social support system. Support during times of crisis is also a powerful buffer toward the development of ptsd. Take care of you angel face. You deserve to recover too! I love you, Chris

Thank you Chris. Your words are very encouraging. I spoke with him about 30 min on the phone last night. I can tell he really wants to be in control of EVERYTHING. I enjoyed talking to him. He is my heart I really want things to work out. He is really trying to become socially active again. I told him there is a part of me that just wants to come to Washington and see him, but he told me to wait and give it more time. I know when he first got to Washington he was seeing someone else but he isn't now. That is why it's hard for me to stand by and wait. I am going to take care of myself that is for sure. Thank you again Chris.

My husband was in the army national guard and served in Iraq. He returned in 2004 and has since been suffering from PTSD. He refuses to get any type of treatment or counseling. Obviously this has been affecting every aspect of our marriage. Just a couple of days ago he told me that he wants to seperate for a while and just be by himself. I feel that my world is crashing down. I don't think that depression and isolation are a good combination. Has anyone experienced something similar? Most of the times I don't even know what to say to him. How can I get him help if he refuses any type of help?

Hi Shannon,
(and everyone else too!) I'm so sorry I missed your post! How did your weekend go? I was so happy and excited for you when I read the message, and also nervous!
The control thing, that's a ptsd symptom too. Control was something the survivors lost during the traumatic experience. Kind of like you might have felt during his deployment (which is pretty traumatic in itself, for years at a time living in fear for your loved ones life) and then now, in the aftermath of war. It's scary to have no control. I understand you are angry too. You've suffered a lot of losses, who wouldn't be? Behind every angry face lies either pain or fear.
I highly recommend the book "You don't have to take it anymore (how to turn your angry, resentful, or emotionally abusive relationship into a loving compassionate one, by Dr Steven Stosny.) It's a must read for every women, heck, any trauma survivor, man or woman. There's a wonderful section called taking the thorn out of your heart too. Dr Stosny teaches us to have self compassion, which helps us to learn how to understand and validate our own emotional pain. His Heals technique is the best thing sinse sliced bread, LOL. Seriously, I would like to see his program implimented at all VA facilities. The you don't have to take it anymore also means you can change your life, without changing someone else. For me, that was best part of not having to take it anymore. There is a boot camp section for the men too. My vet refused to read the book, and our relationship still improved because I changed. DR. Stosny also cowrote an excellent book called "How to change (improve?) your relationship without talking about it." (I have crs disease, I hope that's it, that book is on my reading list, LOL)
The emotional constriction and withdrawl associated with ptsd is really hard to take. You're not alone sissy. I once compared the symptoms of ptsd to emotional abuse, and they fit the criteria. Of course in our ptsd veterans, it's a normal symptom of a dis-ease, and it's not their fault either. Having ptsd doesn't mean we have to be treated like doormats either. It's an explination, not an excuse. The experts recommend suggesting, but not forcing a loved one to get help for themselves. The symptoms of ptsd can improve on their own over time, even without proffesional help. What's most important is that we help ourselves in the aftermath of war. A word of caution too, if there is any verbal or physical abuse in a relationship (which is also common in ptsd relationships) couples therapy is not recommended. Individual counceling for ourselves works wonders though!
I look forward to hearing all about your weekend sissy! Please keep us posted. I love you.

This is a link to our ptsd and family section which contains a lot of useful information for loved ones.
A must read! Psychological effects on families subject to enforced and prolonged seperations under life threatening situations (war)

http://www.dartcenter.org/media/busuttil.pdf

The resource material is based on this book in progress.

Book: For Those Who Bore the Battle:

Combat Stress Injury Theory, Research, and Management

http://mailer.fsu.edu/~cfigley/CombatStressTOC.htm

Chapter 7: Secondary traumatization among wives of war veterans with PTSD

http://mailer.fsu.edu/~cfigley/documents/Chapter7DecVersion.pdf

Chapter 8: The Returning Warfighter: Advice for Families and Friends

http://mailer.fsu.edu/~cfigley/documents/LyonsChapter-chapter8.pdf

ptsd, what about me? a family struggle in the aftermath of war

http://groups.msn.com/AftermathofwarcopingwithPTSDtoo/general1.msnw?acti...

ptsd and family section
http://groups.msn.com/AftermathofwarcopingwithPTSDtoo/ptsdandthefam.msnw

He will be here Thursday 8-23-07. I will let you know how it goes. I am just so nervous, i'm not quite sure how to act.

i can't believe how many post have come from my 1 post so far 21 that is amazing, if nothing else comes from this I have gotten other spouses to talk about what they are going through, that makes me happy.

If you have any advice please let me know.

Thanks
Shannon

My husband was deployed to Iraq 3 months to the day that we were married.
His was a reserve Seabee unit, which suffered one of the worst Seabee casualties since WWII. He has PTSD, is getting treatment at the VA both medications and group therapy. He has not been able to hold down a job until the past 4 months. He is now a Veteran's Service Rep at the VA. This has actually seemed to help, he feels like he is doing good, helping Vets get the benefits they are due to them. But he is emotionally withdrawn from me, I miss the man I fell in love with. He can get angry for no reason and he will lash out at me, verbally. He knows he has changed he is not happy with it. We have done couples therapy and one on one marriage counseling which has helped. We recently adopted a baby girl whom we do both love and adore and he connects with her. He has 2 children from his first marriage, this is my first marriage. I just feel hurt and miss the man I love. Today is my birthday, normally he would have made a big deal about it, today he did not even wish me happy birthday before leaving for work and I have to admit I am hurt.
We are going out to dinner tonight but a hug or kiss and a happy birthday would have made my day. I am glad I found this site, to have a place to vent. Thanks for listening.
Marlene

Well my husband got here Thursday eve and fled away again friday evening he wasn't even here 24 hrs, he just blew up over nothing. I give up i can't keep going backwards, I love him so much but as you all know I have been going through this since March and everytime I see him he makes it seem like my fault and he won't even sit down and talk to me about it. Things can always change but not until he is willing to change. I am looking to the Lord for guidance and he isn't coming close to doing that. This is so hard to go through so i've put it in my Lords hands he is the only one that can handle this I Can't.

Terri,
My husband was in town Labor Day weekend. I just happen to run into him he acted like I didn't even exist. I think I saw him a total of 20 minutes all weekend, this is just all too painful for me. Out of everyone he treats me horribly. I have to take care of myself with my health situation (pituitary tumor and thyroid disorder) I love him but i also have to love myself. It done something to me for him to treat me that way. I 'll always love him and i hope he gets past all of this. i will keep you posted.

Thank you so much Terri. If nothing else comes from this I have started this blog and so far I see a lot of comments from my 1st post. I hope i have helped others. I will keep everyone posted on the progress. Just remember "one Day at a Time" and pray, pray, pray. God won't put anything on us we can't handle and that goes for the spouses and the soldiers. I still send care packages to his troop in Iraq and I still send him things also. I will always love my husband but i just don't know if he will ever come back to me it has been 8 months and i have been treated horribly. I know he can't help it but neither can I. Thank you all for your support and I wish everyone the best. i will be checking in on everyone.

Hi ladies,
I live in New Jersey. I have searched endlessly, to no avail for a support group for the loved ones of ptsd veterans. I even tried starting one of my own, but couldn't find any members to join me. And NJ has a very high population of veterans. The vet centers, and the VA clinics and hospitals keep saying they are including family members/ loved ones, but I have not found that to be true. Many of the veterans wives/ Significant others that I know are left without a support group.
The members of the aftermath of war started writing up a NO SOLDIER LEFT BEHIND ACT. (especially after learning about the very high suicide rate, and the VA's habit of turning wounded veterans away, without treatment) One of the things we all agreed on is more support for the family is necessary.
If you would like to read what we have so far, and add any comments or suggestions, please do. After I get more input on what our veterans and their family members need, I plan to write up the act and send it to our representives.
Does anyone else have live support in your area?

The no soldier left behind act

http://groups.msn.com/AftermathofwarcopingwithPTSDtoo/general.msnw?actio...

This is a link to a group format I really like. I try to hold group by myself at least once a week following Patience Masons format. It helps. Eventually, I hope to have others to join me in person. All my love, Chris

Suggested Format for a Twelve Step Group for Veterans, Families, and Friends, 31 pages PDF file

http://www.patiencepress.com/store-freestuff.html

Hello Terri,
I am going ok. I haven't found a support group there isn't one in the area. The support i do have and depend on ALOT is the Lord. He will get me through this and he will also get my husband through it. I have faith in that. What distubs me more than anything is the way our soldiers are treated for PTSD. Someday I will do something about it. I don't hear from him it's like he is just floating around in Washington without a care in the world but inside I know he is not ok, and that is what scares me the most. I know last week i had a nightmare that something bad had happened to him so i called him at 2:00 in the morning to check on him, he called me back about 30 minutes later to let me know he was ok, but he didn't sound ok. I love my husband and I always will, I also love our soldiers and I will fight for them like they have fought for us. Take care and please keep in touch.

Hi all,
I am new to this...I guess it was just time for me to get some support. My husband was in the Marines. He joined when he was 17 and was part of the first wave into Iraq by the time he was 18. He served 2 tours there. We were high school sweethearts and got married a week after his second tour ended. I got pregnant about 3 months after we were married and had our daughter while he was on his last deployment before he got out. Things changed at that point. The man that came back was not my husband. He was extreemy controling and jelous and angry all of the time. It has been over a year since he got out and his attitude has not changed at all. He is a wonderful father to our daughter but with me it is like i am just a room mate that he tollerates. He is verbaly abusive and snaps frequently at anything. He is in counciling but it doesnt seem to be helping. I did go once to a session with him. I was told that his ptsd isn't my problem and to just leave him alone. Im tired of living with the ice king and constantly tip towing around so as not to anger him. Something has to change. I am in this for the long haul, I will not just abandon him in his time of need like several of the other wives I knew. I just want to hear that it will be okay I guess. Any help will be appreciated! -Kate

Hello Terry. I am doing Pretty good just trying to move forward with my life. I miss the military life so much. thank you for check on me i do appreciate it. I occcassionally hear from my husband, he always calls and ask how the dogs are doing but he is not concerned about me at all. My health is good but i still emotional wise have my good days and bad days. thanks again i hope all is well with you

Hello Terri,

I have wondered if that is why John calls also. Which is fine i will always be here for him as i have always said. I really don't know what kind of care he is receiving, i know his chance to re-enlist comes up in June and i just hope he isn't waiting until he has nowhere to go to want to come home because i jus tcan't keep setting myself up to be hurt by him. Thank you so much for caring.
Shannon Williams

Hello Terri, I hope you are doing well. I just wanted to say hello and let you know how my life is going. I am finally moving on John and I are friends he calls me when he needs someone to talk to. I am so at peace with myself i felt in the beginning that i was turning my back on him but i wasn't it is what he wanted, he is going to be sending me divorce papers this month. I pray all of our soliers will find peace and i also pray for the spouses and families that are effected by PTSD. It is so hard to believe how far I have come, in the beginning I thought there was no hope but there is for the patient and the ones effected, we just have to believe and PRAY.

At Peace with her life,
Shannon Williams