Around July 4th, our country stops to remember our freedom and the price that has been paid to obtain it. Some of the costs of military service are not so obvious. The July 6 Spouse Calls column features a blogger's comment about some the consequences in her life, and the life of her military husband.
To skip to her blog entry, to read or to offer support or advice, Click here.
A couple of weeks ago, during the hullabaloo over the military wife/calendar girl, I was scanning various military spouse blogs, some of which were really going wild on the subject. I returned to the Spouse Calls blog and found "Marriage Destroyed," which had been posted while the other spouses were bickering about a pinup girl.
It really brought me back to the fact that there are real problems in military life. All the more reason for the military community to look for ways to support each other, rather than avenues of attack.
driven to distraction via calendar?
yeah, the calendar business is SO not on my radar. perhaps some of the spouses welcome the distraction of something else to target on or use the calendar issue to displace anger, frustration and such of deployment issues. just a thought.
i know during the deployment i was pretty much angry and uptight about most everything....someone parked too close to my car, the kids outside were too loud or better yet my neighbor was being too loud. (stairwell living can be oh so fun, *wink*) after the deployment i apologized to my neighbor for being so unrealistic on the noise issues and such. maybe some of the ladies that are being nasty to the calendar lady will come to that point to?
Stretched
Good point, Denise. Who among us has not been stretched a little too thin by being all things to all people during a deployment?
Sometimes we alienate the people from whom we could draw strength during those lonely times. It works both ways. If a neighbor whose spouse is deployed seems a little touchy, cut some slack there. Reach out to help or encourage instead of pulling away.
Terri
Power of the touch of love
This message came to me via e-mail from a reader named Ann. She read the blog post, above, which also appeared in the Spouse Calls column on July 6, and sent this response:
I was reading the blog about the woman after 12 years of marriage divorced her husband because he came back from Iraq angry and mean. I know how she felt, mine came back the same way, nothing I did or said was good enough for him. He always had something nasty to say to me or the boys. One day he crossed the line, he put his hands on me. Two days in jail, $3500.00, and two months later he is attending Anger management classes, seeing a personnel counselor, we are in marriage counseling and he still apologizes. Everyone tells me to run, get out while I can, no forgiveness. But for most they do not understand why he is so angry and mean. He does not understand why he is so anger either. His counselor diagnosed him with PTSD and depression. He stopped drinking, that was only adding to the problems of him not being able to walk away. Even more important to it all he started talking to God again. The one thing that he stopped doing after his first tour to Iraq, was believe that he was no longer worthy of forgiveness and his actions would never be forgiven. We forget that the army takes our loved ones and turns them into mass murders, with no conscience or hope. We forget that they either find God or turn their backs on him. The become a large ball of anger and hate that only sleeps, eats, and does what it is told. They have no other way of living and forget that there is something other than War. I understand her pain and sorrow, if being with him is where she really wants to be, it is a long hard daily struggle. The understanding that you are not living with a normal person must always be up front. The understanding that change is hard for all of us, yet it must be all of us who changes. Everyday I walk in the door and the first thing that I do is hug him, kiss him and tell him how much I love him. If I see him getting frustrated or angry I immediately hug him, the power of a loved ones touch can change the world. He attends group every week and actively listens and talks. He shares a lot with me, but I know and now realize that he will never share Iraq with me. I do not ask either. I give him me time often just so he can have those moments of peace that he has only come to appreciate. We make sure that a discussion is a discussion, never an agruement. Most importantly I forgive him of his pass mistakes. I as a strong woman. As an Army Wife have learned that sometimes I need to only be strong when he cannot be. To admit fault when its mine, not to boost in his faults, to let the small things go, and above all forgive. I know this sounds strange to some people, but the life of Army wife is different than that of a civilian wife. Than when you add War into the mixture, it changes the rules even more. He will be leaving soon for Iraq again, they announced on the news that 1st and 2nd Brigade came up on orders to re-deploy. This will be his 3rd tour and my 2nd, but I have learned a lot from the first one that I will be bring with me to this one. Ann Dover
Not everyone agrees
Most bloggers (see below) have offered support for Ann's words. Here's an e-mailed response from a reader named Angela who takes issue with some of her terms:
You know, Military Wives can be so dramatic sometimes. I read an article a Lady name
Ann wrote and it upset me. She said "We forget that the Army takes our
loved ones and turns them into mass murderers, with no conscience or hope.
We forget that they either find God or turn their backs on Him. They become
a large ball of anger and hate that only sleeps, eats, and does what it is
told. They have no other way of living and forget that there is something
other than war." Wow, are you serious? You really think that the Army did
this to your husband? Your husband chose to join the military and do what he
is doing now. This isn't Germany or some other country where you HAVE to do
Military time. Oh yes, drafting still exist in some countries. Instead
talking down on the Army, you should be supporting the Army and the other
wives that are going through the same thing. Mass Murderers? How dare you
call your husband that and the rest of the people who protect our country.
Get it through you thick skulls that your husband/wife signed up for this.
Hey history question for you? In all the Wars we have been in, who fights
them and protects our Country? Hmmmm, Marines, Army, Navy, and Airforce?
Sounds about right. Military wives can be so ignorant and closed minded. I
am not a mass murderer neither is my husband (and he of course has served in
Iraq). Yes being an Army wife, you have to be strong and UNDERSTAND what
exactly the Military does because it is not a regular job. We PROTECT our
Country. You think that the Military goes to these countries and just start
shooting random people, you're wrong! The Bad people are killed, you know,
the ones who are trying to kill your Spouse. Who would you want it to be?
The bad guy trying to kill your husband/wife or your husband/wife. I am a
former active duty Army Soldier and now currently in the Reserves but I had
been deployed twice and guess what? I knew what I was getting myself into. I
train for those kind of environments. What do you think your husband is
doing when your Spouse is gone to the field? Ummm, from my knowledge, they
are training for war time. Oh, you didn't know that the Military's main
mission is to Train in peace time to prepare for war? I hate when,
especially military wives, marry someone in the military and is confused of
why they act so different after and twelve or fifteen month tour? Have you
(yes I am talking to the wife) ever been to the middle east? You ARE going
to get stressed out, whether you are on or off the FOB. Like I said, you
have to be strong to be a spouse of a person serving in the Military because
you never know what is going to happen, and you Ann, to say things like
that, is not someone I would consider strong for a military wife
My response to Angela is in the Jan 4 Spouse Calls column.
A loved ones touch
Mrs. Dover. I loved reading your post it really touched my heart. I wish me and my husbands marriage could have survived war it has survived so many other things after 18 years, he didnt join the military until he was 34 or 35 they sent him to Walter Reed with PTSD and he shut me out of his life and didn't want me no where around him. That was 16 months ago I was always there for him if he just need to call and talk but I never pressured him. I also told him when it was time for his transistion from Military life to civilian life my door was always open ( I thought he might need some familiarity, and he did, he stayed at my house for 3 weeks and then moved back where he is originally from. Not to mention during his time at Walter Reed he got a 24 year old girl pregnant, I can't have children and he knows the pain I feel but we don't talk about it I just feel as though I can't be a part of that part of his life it just hurts too much. But i am praying about it, who knows what the Lord has planned. I know the Lord knows how much I loved and still love my husband I think it is such a blessing to read a story like yours i wish mine could have ended like that. But I know without the Lords help I would have never gotten through this, He was my comforter because no one else not even family could understand what I or he was going through. Please go back to June or July last year i have alot of post and it kind of explains my story. God Bless you and yours. Shannon Williams
Thank you
Thank you so much for your words, everyday is a struggle and a blessing. I know now that if God brings us to it, he will bring us through it. "Life is not measured by how many breaths you take, but by how many moments that take your breath away." -Anonymous
Breath of life
What a great quote!
Who supports mom?
With the head of the family always away in military missions, the wife must always be there for everyone. It's very hard when children are involved. I always wanted to work, even after I had my first kid but with my husband away all the time I have to stay home. The marriage problems appeared, I'm always mad at him because he leaves all the problems for me to solve, I can't have a career, I have to take care of his parents as well as of mine. I love my husband and I do understand that his job is very important but I'd like some recognition now and then. Sometimes I feel that there's a greater war at our homes than in the world.
Military Spouses
This is for a few of you that might need to remember we married these military service members with our eyes open(I hope).
I have lived all aspects of the military family. My father is a retiree, I served for 10 years, my brother and sister served, and now I am a spouse. When I got married to my Seabee, I knew what it entailed.
Yes it is hard. We have two children, and my husband deployes alot. He has done 3 tours to the desert in the past four yrs. I have had intermitten jobs to support my family emotionally and financially.
I knew when I got married that I would have to be mom and dad to the kids a majority of the time.
I think if you work with other spouses that are having to deal with the same things you are you can learn from each other how to cope.
I served as a command liason for a year and was able to help young spouses come to an understanding with this way of life(hopefully). As a spouse you need to understand that our service members are other there to ensure the safety of our families. Yes, you have to deal with everything here, but they worry about what is going on here and what they are doing there.
It us understandable to feel overwhelmed, if you feel that way talk to someone about it. Make playdates for the kids, volunteer, you would be amazed how many other spouses feel the same way you do.
I know the Navy has the FRG(family readiness group), Fleet and family support centers, ombudsman, chapelains, the NMCRS(Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society). You can volunteer for these groups or you can ask for help from them. If you are from a different branch of service they should have similar organizations. Remember you are not alone.
If you don't understand this way of live talk to spouses at your bases that have done this for awhile. If you have done this for awhile talk to some of the younger spouses to remember what it was like to be new at this.
We can all help each other. But, you have to remember the service members need us too.
Eyes wide open
This is all good advice, and good reminder that the best way to live life is to get involved. Seek help -- be helpful. Find friends -- be a friend. Look problems in the face and develop solutions.
This is especially true in military life. We may be "dependents," but we're far from helpless.
You had choices
You have got to be kidding me. I have read a lot of the posts on here and I never realized how many self centered wifes we have. That think the military is to blame for everything.
For one your husband/wife Has choices. They signed the dotted line and it is up to them how they let deployment affect them. I should know I was on both ends of this. I married a soldier and he got deployed. I understand he went through a lot over there and I would have stood by him over anything. He didn't talk to me much about Iraq tell he broke down about a little child strapped with a bomb. I'm sure you all know what happened from there. I cried with him over it. But he is the one that desided to let it change his life for the worse. He turned ugly on me. I was pregnant and he told me he would hurt us both he didn't want a child. The last straw was when he was about to come home and told me if I left him and took his son "He already had a little blood on his hands what was a little more" I grabbed my 5 month old son and ran like heck. swearing to never ever date another military man. I lived a year in fear and hiding tell the courts straighten it all out.
Then I met the man i am married to now, and guess what he is a soldier. and I am once again a military wife. We are on our second deployment and things couldn't be better. He has had the same problems as my first husband and somethings he won't talk to me about. but he knows I am here and I love him with all my heart. Yes he has changed in a lot of ways, but he does not let what is happening out shine our love. So all you wives can blame the military if you like but it's not so.
Then we have the wives griping about having to do everything. No it's not easy but there is different ways you can go. If you live off post and not getting enough money. That means your BAH isn't enough to cover your bills. So move on post and stop making so many bills. Talk to your loved on over seas. set up an amount they can use a month and nothing more. I went as far as setting him up his own account and I transfer money there every payday. but make sure there is no overdraft protection. If you have to much on your plate to deal with bills go talk to your bank. I think most military has started using USAA. They are awesome. But any bank will set up auto payments for you. of course make sure you keep a log of your bills but you don't have to send everything out or drive all over the place.
Come on ladies it's not that hard. You knew when you married your husband/wife you where not just marring him but the military as well. Heck I have even been informed my son is not mine. He is goverment property. There will be a lot of argueing and fighting over money. You should have set up a system before he/she left. I know every military spouse had the choose to go to any pre deployment meeting. If you didn't go that's your fault so suck it up. Your Spouse depends on you. He or she is busy trying to keep themselves in one peace for you. The last thing they need is to worry about whats going on at home and stress out that too. When something happens you what his/her mind on the mission and covering his/her butt. Not worried what his wife/husband is doing at home or how he/she really don't want to call you. That's how they get hurt. You wives/husbands with no brains make me sick. You made your choose now stick with it, suck it up, and help your spouse by lessoning to them not griping at them.
Don't shoot the wounded
It is good to hear that you have survived such a difficult situation, Joann. You surely are stronger because of it. It should also make you more compassionate toward those who don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.
This is a forum for spouses to express the joys and the frustrations of military life. Please do not berate other bloggers for the way they are handling their challenges. Sometimes everyone needs to vent a little -- without attacking one another.
Instead, why not offer some encouragement? Don't shoot the wounded.
Terri
I support Terri in
I support Terri in everything she said. My brother came back from Iraq 4 months ago. He’s totally changed. He’s very silent and mean. His wife tried to take him first to counseling, but things didn’t work out for them and they are divorcing now. Seeing death in front of your eyes changes you forever.
son back from Iraq
My 22 year old son, a Marine, came back from 9 months in Iraq--and now will not even speak to me. My son who left for Iraq came back very different. I raised him, practically by myself, sacrificed for him and gave him the best upbringing I could. He never went hungry, dirty or did without. He was fine before he left and while he was there. He called me from Iraq a couple of times and sent emails back and forth. I don't know what happened to change him like this--I do know that he suffers from PTSD, and he was in a dangerous zone there--but WHY has he turned on me, his mother? He came back from Iraq and 2 months later, he married a girl he barely knew that he met up with on MYSPACE while in Iraq, she has 3 small kids--all with different fathers. Has anyone else heard of a case like this--my son still keeps in contact with his high school friends also, but not me. This has broken my heart. The pain is indescribable........I don't know if or when he will ever come around.
PTSD, not parenting
Most likely, what is happening to your son has nothing to do with your effort and sacrifice in raising him. Those who experience PTSD commonly distance themselves from those they love most. Those who are married often take out their frustrations on their spouses or children, sometimes to the point of leaving their families
I always advise family members caught in the crossfire of PTSD to get counseling for themselves. This might help you to realize that your son's reaction is not a personal rejection of you, but a fallout from his experiences. You also need skills to cope with this new set of circumstances, so that you can go forward, be strong for yourself and perhaps be able to help your son in his recovery.
Another way to cope is to find out all you can about PTSD. When you begin researching, I think you will recognize some of your son's reactions and be able to put them in perspective. An excellent book is: Back From the Front: Combat Trauma, Love and the Family by Aphrodite Matsakis. For an introduction to the book and more information about PTSD, click here for a related post on the Spouse Calls blog.
Hope this helps
I am the wife of a Marine ('Nam 70-71) who is cursed with PTSD. And although we've only been married for 4.5 years, "John" has been under the care of the VA for several years now. I too am seeking help to understand this cruel and unjust disease. Yes, disease. John was married twice before, his last marriage ending after 25 years, he and his wife had one son, who also was a Marine and in Iraq in 2003. John has been through various sessions at the VA, is taking meds for sleep, temper, and depression.
The first thing a therapist will tell say to you after you spill your guts out about your situation is, "It's not about you." And it isn't. Your son is in a world of pain, all the things you taught him aout being a good person, etc., went out the window on the battlefield. He had to learn to survive the worst possible circumstances in an instant. I'ts hard for the rest of us to visualize what this would be like.
Seek professional help. It's free at the VA hospital but only for vets. Spouses and relatives must find support elsewhere. This is where I'm lucky in that the weekly Support Group sessions my husband attends has opened up a separate Support Group for spouses. I have meant some incredible ladies here.
Here are some things I've been told:
None of your son's anger is about you, it's about the circumstances that got him to this point; things he can't tell a mom because it goes against everything good he was taught.
However, you must teach your son that his behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated.
Don't take it personal. I know it's hard, but things trigger the behavior, and even the vet doesn't see it coming.
Your son most likely thinks, "the whole world has the problem, not me".
Don't forget to take care of yourself. It's not all about your son, you will need support too.
Your son, the one you know, is still "in there", he just needs the right care and medical attention to bring him back.
My husband sees himself as a loser with PTSD, I see a man who is honest and just, and that's my life's mission, to make him see this too.
Your son is angry. He's full of guilt. He's depressed.
It won't be easy. It won't cure itself overnight. There will be many hard time. If you believe in your son and yourself, seek help. Keep trying.
You're not alone!
And don't forget to smile. :)
The Military Isn't Pefect, So Stop Acting like it is
I will try to be as supportive as I can and understanding. However, Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I myself have been around the military, Army, for 16 years. My Step-Dad is currently deployed. My mother has retired. My two sisters got out honorable discharges for medical. And all the friends of our family are prior military, active duty who serve with our family members. I am yet again married to a Army soldier. My first husband, my best friend still, was an E7 until he retired 2 years ago. Now I am married to an E4. I am sure when these ladies blame the Military for their problems that they mean the units that their husbands are in. Lets face the facts ladies, Not every unit is perfect. We don't have to keep up with the Jones's to save face. Everyone is entitled to how they feel. Let me give you an example with my own situation. My husband's unit is absolutely horrible. I say this from my experiences past and present with not only this company but compared to many others. My husband and I got married May 7, 2009. Yes, newly weds. The Chain of Command would not allow my husband the time needed to get me setup on deers, tricare, and an Id card. They worked him like a slave. But they knew we just got married and had to get this done, as well as for him to clear the barracks so he could get the clearing sheet and go to finance for our BAH and BAS. Still his company has not worked with us on getting this finance in order. Our rent is due on the 1st. We don't have the money for it because of this and the moving expenses, we thought the unit would do its part it taking care of the finance situation as they claimed to be doing. Reality Check, Nothing got done and now we can't make rent. Aer loans, Finance wants to get into your personal affairs and stay there. Its not an option. Anyway, the worst was yet to come. My husband came home complaining about work. I told him what he should do but he unfortunately is the type to lay back and take it. The kind of man that says nothing but continues to get walked on. He finally told me to go to IG (inspector General) and lodge a complaint about his NCO. Mind you, this NCO has harassed us both from day one. Not to mention I've caught in him conduct unbecomming of an NCO. And other less than satisfactory preformances as an NCO. So I agreed to call IG for my husband. First I contacted the Chain of Command to let them know about it. Then I got busy and lost the number to IG so I waited to call for a few days. All calling the Chain of Command did was kick the beehive. They went after my husband in retaliation for my actions. Saying I had to go to that NCO first as Chain of command. I do not since it was him that I was complaining about. Anyhow, My husband got counselings on this about me. Then the E7 Above the NCO in question told my husband that I gave him red flags, mind you from a less than 2 minute phone conversation. I never met him in person or even saw his face, still haven't. That E7 told my husband I was a barracks ***** and that I was out to get his money. My husband came home and told me everything, he didnt stand up to him and ask him not to say those things about me. Nothing. My husband is not confrontational, Which annoys me because he should be more in control but he uses the excuse that he is just an E4. Anyway, He asked me not to go through with the IG complaint. So I stopped for him. The company is still taking it out on him and me.
I will take offense by the way if anyone wishes to accuse him or me of being trouble makers. Cause thats not the case and you just need to hear the whole story and see it for yourselves. In any case, I can assure you that the company is at fault and no one wants to fix it. Our only chance to get him out of that company is to go see the Chaplain. But you see, there lays a problem. The company refuses to give me any phone numbers, an alert roster, company roster and even the commander's phone number. They also refuse to give it to my husband. So he is stuck with a terrible company whose only goal is to split us up and kick him out. They are trying to kick him out for showing up late 3 times. Once was he slept through the clock, before I ever met him. The second was our power went out, and the third was a flat tire. But they are saying it was all him sleeping through the clock which was not the case and some things are just out of your control. He can't control the weather. And He can't control a Flat Tire. Sorry, not possible. And He called in every time well before formation to let them know. So, You see. Some Units are to blame for the mistreatment of the families and soldiers. And its those kinds of units that are the reason for soldiers alcohol and drug dependancy, not to mention soldiers breaking down, which I have seen first hand a soldier in my dad's unit be placed on the 5th floor in a padded room because on an NCO and Chain of Command...My dad and E6 says he was a good soldier but broke directly because of harassment that he witnessed himself and was trying to fight for him. Also the direct cause of recent Chain of Command murders by the lower enlisted and them killing themselves. But nobody wants to look at the bigger picture. Rather they like to cover it up with secrets and lies. Most people Can't Handle the truth. They first make bad soldiers and them punish them for being bad soldiers. And good soldiers get punished for being good soldiers. The system is corrupt. Some units are corrupt. And now days, they make is virtually impossible to get an E7 or higher demoted or punished for their actions. It would take an act of congress. So those who are bad soldiers E7 and higher can have the last say and create bad soldiers and no one can do anything about it. If you look good on paper then you're a god in the Army's eyes...and then you go behind a building and beat the crap out of someone verbally and no one ever knows anything or says anything because you are considered "squared away". Its Army life. You can't fix it. And you can't run away from it. Because the moment you ask to be transfered to another unit they deny you and then torture you and try to give you an article 15 for no reason. So stop pretending the military is perfect and has no blame for the consequences of its actions. We don't need anymore lies and excuses of how they signed the dotted line and knew what they were getting into. There's no excuse for mistreatment of its soldiers. Regardless if they deserve it or not. Two wrongs don't make a right. And another thing, this so called "Corrective Training" is just a lie and an excuse for a way for the unit to mistreat, humiliate, intimidate, harass and insult its soldiers. Got to love the Army loop holes, huh?