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Spouse CallsJoin the conversation with Stripes columnist Terri Barnes, as she explores issues relevant to the lives of military spouses. |
Counseling resources
Posted March 2nd, 2008 by Terri Barnes in
Resources helpful to military families affected by PTSD is the focus of this week’s Spouse Calls column.
The Wounded Warrior Wives program of Operation Homefront is explained by the program’s director of clinical education and counseling services, Dr. Julie Storey. (Click here to read the Mar. 2 Spouse Calls.)
WWW is for spouses of veterans with all types of injuries. For more information, or to find out how to get involved, contact Julie at drjulie@cinchouse.com.
Operation Homefront was first created as an outreach to families of deployed military members. Founded in 2001 by Meredith Leyva, a military spouse, the organization now has 28 chapters in almost as many states and reaches out to many kinds of needs.
Two chapters of Operation Homefront, in California and Illinois, have developed programs, in conjunction with civilian professionals, to offer counseling for military members and their families.
Eric Schuller is the president of the Illinois chapter and a 22-year military veteran.
Private donations of funds and professional counselors who donate their services make the Soldiers’ Project possible, Schuller said by phone from his office in Willowbrook, Ill.
He said the services offered to veterans are not intended in any way to replace the Veteran’s Administration efforts but to serve as a buffer and a bridge to services offered by the VA.
“Our game plan, is … to get them into the VA system. If they do have long-term PTSD, they need the VA system.”
“The problem is getting them in the door,” he said “Programs like (ours) are non-threatening. It’s not on their military records. It’s confidential, and it’s free.”
The program can also provide help to the entire family, Schuller said.
“Spouses are more open to share to an extent,” he said, adding that Operation Homefront is interested in putting together groups of spouses of veterans with PTSD.
“We’re starting to make some headway. Part of it is building trust,” he said because spouses still fear that something will get back to official channels.
Sometimes service members don’t want their families to go out and seek help, because it makes the service member look weak, Schuller said.
He said the counseling program for military kids is finding that children of deployed troops are facing different challenges in 2008 than in 2001.
“It’s a different perception. It was safety. Now it’s not only ‘Are they gonna be safe?’ but ‘Are they doing the right thing?’ ‘Is my dad – or mom – doing something bad?’ Because there are people on the news saying they’re bad.”
Any military family members who are in need are eligible for treatment in this program “for as long as it takes,” Schuller said.
“Our hope is that maybe we can take this and expand it. I think there really is that need out there of a transition middle level of help for service members and their families.
To find out more about Operation Homefront, see www.operationhomefront.net. To find out more about the Illinois and California programs, or to find any chapter in the U.S., click on “Find an Operation Homefront Chapter” on the left of the main page.
Post Deployment
First and foremost, I must say there isn't enough resources to help family members when a Spouse returns from deployment. I honestly believe that this isn't considered to be a concern. I have been married over 13 years together for over 15 years with three children ages 13, 12 and 8. Most people state that a non military spouse has no idea what stress our spouses are under. But I can truly say that I am very familiar because I am ex-military. My husband was deployed for a total of 16 months. During that time period I was working at the Pentagon taking care of three children and trying to take care of my parents in which my mother was sick with Cancer. My husband would call me at 1:00 am every morning breaking my sleep. I would talk to him because I didn't want him to feel abandoned and out of touch with the family. I wrote him letters every day with picutres and stickers to keep him motivated and keep his mind on his task at hand. He called me one day and told me that the Chaplian briefed all the soldiers and told them not to get upset if they found out there spouse was cheating on them. And because of all the stress this was a common occurence. Now that really bothered me, because the whole time he was deployed I made it a point to be at home. I paid the bills, I worked, took care of the children and even my mother. I even purchased a new home without him and moved me and the kids at his request. When he came home in Jan 06, he seemed to be fine. But I do remember him telling me that he needed to talk to someone. He had seen and been through so much. We were fine or so I thought. I even let him stay home and get a break. Then I noticed if I made comments about me needing him to go to work to pay bills or anything that seemed stressful he started becoming distant and not willing to discuss anything. It was after 10 months of him being home that he started talking about he didn't want to argue. I was really confused because I wasn't arguing. I called the Army hotline in which they suggested counseling for him and maybe me if I thought I needed it. They suggested he might need medication. I tried to talk to him about it and he got defensive and didn't want any help. At that point I prayed about it because my kids starting saying Daddy is being mean for no reason. I was about to jeapordize everything I had my marriage, my kids, my job, my credit and basically everything associated with my life. Sure I could have let him stay but I didn't want my sons to think is behavoir was normal and acceptable. So, I asked him to leave. Bottom line is, there was and is no help in place to help spouses. I have now been separated from my husband over a year and three months. I have lost a marriage, my first home and a best friend. He refusses to pay bills for the house and/or the kids. In his mind he still think he did nothing wrong. He acts like this was a temporary set back. If you were to poll most spouses for have spouses returning from deployment, I am sure you will see that more than 75% are having problems that are eventually leading to divorce or worse. I really think this is a serious problem and it's getting out of control. There needs to be mandatory procedures in place to ensure that a spouse is ready to adapt back to his/her family life. Otherwise there needs to be a close watch over individuals. I was able to ask my husband to leave and walk away. Some spouses may not be able to do that and it may lead to death. It's too late for me and my situation but I would be more than happy to assist to save someone else's marriage and family.
Sincerely,
LTB
reintegration
I read that it takes approximately a year for a Soldier to fully reintegrate into his previous life after a deployment. I assume that is for a normal reintegration, I can't imagine the difficulties or length it would take if PTSD or other mental problems are encountered along the way.
At that time most of them are gearing up for another deployment too. Families lives are in a constant state of flux in these trying times of a high OPTEMPO. I greive not only for the loss of our Soldiers, but also for the loss of marriages and families.
readjustment
i was told that for every month a solider is deployed....that amount of time back home will be how long the typical readjustment will take. 15 mos gone- 15 mos to get back in the "Groove". things have changed and will never be the same as they were before. with that in mind if everyone has a realistic view of expectations.....things can go much more smoothly.
i think a lot of couples try to get back to where they were. and there really is no doing that....things are forever changed. grieve that. and if need be- reach out for help through a grounded fellow spouse and/or competent chaplain or mental health professional.
best of wishes to you always!
reaching out
This is good advice, especially about reaching out. I like that you said to a "grounded" fellow spouses and a "competent" chaplain or counselor.
The person you choose to be your confidante or counselor is important. I have heard some stories from people who went to a chaplain or a counselor who offered them no hope, or seemed to discount their problem altogether.
If that happens, my suggestion is move on but don't give up. If the chaplain you see is a dud, ask for a different person. Keep trying.
It is worth it when you find the person with the expertise and compassion to help work through a difficult issue. There are some great chaplains and counselors out there who truly want to help.
Terri
My experience with PTSD
Hello Leslie and i just read you post. It sounds so familiar minus the children. My husband and i were married 18 years and he completely shut me out of his life. I am so thankful we didn't have children because i know how bad it hurt me. There are many posts that go back as far as July that i posted about my experience you can go back and read. It has been horrible, but he and i are actually getting along now as friends, but he doesn't want to face anything that is ahead so i still have to walk on egg shells when i talk to him i never had to do that before Iraq he was the most kind person and never got angry w/ me. He was sent to Walter Reed Hospital from Iraq where they loaded him full of all different kinds of meds and then no supervision. i kept trying to tell the doctors he needed supervision but they wouldn't listein. He has been there for 1 year now, and will be medically discharged and doesn't know where to begin, he has thrown everything away i can't imagine what he went through but he can't imagine what i've been through. The best of luck to you. My one word of advice is to Pray because i found the Lord is the only one who always understands. Good luck to you and best wishes for your family.
Shannon Williams
Thank you!
Shannon,
Thank you for your comments. I will go back and read your story. Yes, GOD is my only saving grace. I learned not to lean on a man or money for anything. I am much stronger than I was but I am still dealing with myself because I feel like I failed. If you ever need a shoulder to lean on or just some support you can e-mail me at work leslie.blanchard@us.army.mil or home at blanchal@hotmail.com. I currently took a reassignment to Korea for 2 years. But I can correspond via e-mail and I would be more than happy to encourage you and pray for you and your husband. See, I wanted some kind of support and they didn't have it. Even the counselors seemed distant and concerned only to a point.
Thanks,
Leslie
Past PTSD blog comments
Shannon and Leslie,
I'm so glad to see you two get connected. Most of your blog comments, Shannon, can be found under the post "Psychologist addresses effects of PTSD." Click here to go to that post, and then read blog comments below, including Shannon's and others'.
Blessings to both of you,
Terri
post deployment
I cannot tell you how hard this is. My husband has just returned from a 9 month deployment with the Navy. Since he has returned home, he is a different person. While he was not exposed to anything traumatic, the changes in culture and the readjustment period have been very difficult.
Like you, I bought a new house and moved myself and my ten year old daughter. I am beginning to wonder if that was a mistake. In addition, we made the decision to have another child. I literally got pregnant the week that he left and gave birth the week that he returned to the US. Unfortunately, he missed the birth due to the military debriefing that he was required to attend.
It makes me wonder if a lot of the changes were too much. Or would he have had this high level of anxiety despite the changes. He has been extremely honest with me by stating that he feels he does not belong here, that nothing is familiar and that he misses that country that he just spent 9 months living in (he was in a very nice area!) His feelings toward me have changed and he is trying to work through them, but it has left me shattered. I try to be supportive, but the emotional roller coaster is tough to handle. It is hard when your husband feels like he is "visiting his sister". He barely acknowledges me, my emotions/feelings or even my presence - or at least it feels that way. Some days seems ok, other days are full of tears and emotions. It is tough.
Take the long view
Put your heads together and choose his next shore duty together, and make it someplace you want to go. In truth, you shouldn't have bought a house without sharing the decision with him.
Pete Pierce
Take the long view - reply
My husband and I have made every decision together and have had excellent communications during the 9 months he was overseas. The fact is that the readjustment process is not easy for anyone. Neither of us realized that the readjustment period would be this difficult, but we are trying to get through it.
Good communication is the key
Your history of open communication will be an asset for you and your husband to resolve the difficulties you are facing during this period of readjustment.
You are right, the readjustment period is difficult for everyone. Even though your husband was not in combat, he is readjusting to the responsibilities of once again being a full time husband and father (with more children than when he left) plus a new homeowner, after 9 months of independence, focused on his work and his own personal needs.
Even though your husband has known about all the events and changes happening at home, they may be a little overwhelming now that he's experiencing them in person.
He needs a little time, but he also must realize that you have been taking care of all these needs in his absence. Now is the time for him to begin to resume his family responsibilities.
Communicating about what is going on at home during deployment is absolutely necessary and is a good basis for getting reconnected after homecoming.
Talking to a counselor may also help you work out these issues.
Please keep posting your progress and thoughts here. I'd like to hear how you are doing.
Sincerely,
Terri
Good communication is the key
I cannot thank you enough for your reply. You seem to really understand how difficult this is and your response is just what I needed to hear. The last two days have been extremely difficult.
I think time and communication will be the key. We know that he is going back in about 30 days and we are just going to have to find a way to continue communicating and also preparing for his return home after another 9 months. Now that we know how difficult it will be, we may be able to better prepare for yet another adjustment period. Whatever happens, we are both committed to being there for one another, even if the marriage does not work out. I will definitely keep posting to this blog on our progress.
Friends
Good communication between you and your husband is absolutely necessary, whether he is home or away. My husband is about to come home, and I'm anticipating that transition from e-mail and phone calls to face to face conversations. It will be wonderful to have him back, but I know from experience that it takes time to get used to each other again!
Another thing I would suggest to you is that you find a group of military spouses to befriend and support you. Are you a member of a spouses' group, Bible study or a craft club? You might find formal counseling helpful also, but a good group of gal pals are good for the soul.
Be sure to choose supportive and positive individuals to spend your time with. Good friends have made a huge difference in my life as a military wife!
And I still want to hear how you are doing. Thanks for your messages.
Terri
Your view, Peter
Your remarks seem too simplistic for the complex issues janward28 describes.
Perhaps your thoughts would be better understood if you put them in the context of your experiences with deployments and reunions.
Terri
ServiceMember's Misconduct Affects Family Structure
I agree with the need for more awareness of Destruction to Marriages and Family Structure due to the ServiceMember's Misconduct. The policy of, " Don't ask-Don't tell," does not work with marriage when the investment is your life at stake. Hope given by counsel now a days is to resolve in Court of Divorce. Divorce is worse than Death because it leaves open wounds with the option of resolution which may not be an option with an unreasonable partner. Death is reasonable/absolute inpart that no man can escape but divorce can be one blow too many proven to be fatal for all parties involved. Finding myself a prior-service member knocking on Divorce door after 16 years of marriage to a ServiceMember with three children and four years of seperation is more than an ajustment. What do you do when you reach a fork in the road which one street called your life and marriage has a do not enter sign in front and the other street named your life and divorce has a proceed with caution? Proceeding with caution has potential hazards which once as a happily married military wife was safeguarded from, now has to overcome challenges, that were not choices for error. I have served my country, my husband's command as Command Ombudsman, and my family with little support to discipline my husband's disregard for adequate financial/morale support to his family. How do you ring the alarm within Navy Limitations, without severing your spouse the Servicemember's employment? The question becomes who will defend my rights as a military spouse who supported her community, family, faith, husband and country for over 16 years while counting the years of infidelity on deployments/duties, with other active servicemembers/civilians and children fathered in the marriage? One may say counseling is an option and I agree it is but at the same time the old saying holds weight with, "you can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink." Where is the resource for the Wounded Wives program suffering from PTSD?
ServiceMember's Misconduct Affects Family Structure AMEN
I totally agree Marie. I have been married 18 years, my soon to be ex has PTSD. I have been trying to get more supervision for our service members since last April until i was threatened by my husband to stay out of his business. You can go back to the July posts if you would like and read my story. I am getting past it all but it hasn't been easy, i felt so alone and no one understood except for 1 person the Lord he helped me through it and still is helping me through it. they put the soldiers on all kinds of meds i think my husband took 13 pills before he went to bed not to mention what he took during the day, and then would be drunk in the evening ( NO SUPERVISION ) . I could go on but i will stop i just know i would love to help other spouses that are going through this. People just don't realize the mess our soldiers and their families are in. How can you give anyone 13 pills and expect them to function properly. I will do anything to help, i just don't know where to begin.
Good luck to you Marie
When he comes home
My boyfriend was deployed to Kosovo in Sept. 07 and since he's been over there we have grown closer and become engaged. We talk daily online and on the phone. My concern is that he will have some issues when he gets home. From reading the posts on this site, I have realized the severity of what may happen. We have decided not to jump right into the married life when he comes home because neither one of us is sure how he's going to be when he gets here. I want to know what kinds of things to watch for. I'd also appreciate any advice anyone may have for me about how I can ensure that his transition to home life is successful. It doesn't sound to me like there is alot of help from the military for coping with issues and any alternative sources would be very helpful. He will be returning home in July 08 so I have time to prepare myself for this change. I have noticed changes in him since he left home but they have all seemed positive. thank you for any help anyone has for me.
sincerely,
Kristin
Be prepared, not anxious
Dear Kristin,
It is a good idea to be prepared for some transition time when your boyfriend returns home. After ten months, you will need time to get used to being together again. "Jumping into married life," as you say, is a shock to the system for everyone! You two are wise to realize you will need some time to get reacquainted.
As you have realized, combat trauma can have some serious consequences. However, not everyone who returns from deployment is severely affected. Some locations and some jobs are more dangerous than others. Not everyone who experiences life in a combat zone develops post traumatic stress disorder.
Although you are wise to be prepared, you don't need to assume that your boyfriend will come home with PTSD or any form of combat trauma. As you have noted, some war time experiences can change one for the better. It sounds like your communication is good during this deployment, and that will help with your transition after his homecoming.
Although when you read some of the posts above, you may think there are no resources in the military for post deployment issues, there certainly are programs in place to help.
The system is sometimes overwhelmed, and not everyone finds the help they need, but that does not mean there is no help available. Click here to see the Mar. 24 Spouse Calls blog post listing links to several counseling resources.
You asked for advice about your boyfriend's transition time when he comes home. When he returns, let your relationship be the guide to what he needs. He might want some down time, and may require a little more personal space. On the other hand, he might want to spend every minute with you. Everyone is different, and each of you will have different needs. It is important for the two of you to talk about those needs.
The Veteran's Affairs has a fact sheet from the National Center for PTSD, which lists possible causes and symptoms of PTSD. Click here to read it.
Everyone reacts to deployment and separation in a different way The best advice I can give you is to maintain your good communication with your boyfriend. Then you will be in tune with any changes in his behavior.
If he does experience difficulties, encourage him to talk to a chaplain or a medical provider. Also, don't neglect your own feelings. Seek counseling if you need it, even if he chooses not to do so.
If you think I'm saying communication is the key, you are right! It's that simple, but "simple" does not mean "easy."
Keep posting here, and let me know how the deployment goes. In the mean time, try not to worry about what might happen. Each of us can only deal with the present, and it seems to me that you and your boyfriend are making sound and responsible decisions for your future.
Sincerely,
Terri
New to PTSD
My spouse and I have been married for 4 years. Second marriage for both. He adopted my son, now 10, and we adopted a little 6 year old girl a few months ago. My spouse just deployed to Afghanistan for 6 months. I was told he had PTSD but didn't think anything of it. We were incredibly happy before he left and we were even going on our honeymoon this summer after he returns. Then the nightmare hits. Within 4 weeks of being gone, he breaks off contact. A few weeks later he sends an e-mail saying our marriage is over, that it was inevitable. He wiped out our joint account, stopped financial support, and is literally tearing our children and I apart. He leaves them voice mails telling them he will be coming home and then we hear from an attorney that he started a divorce. He has gone back and forth so many times in the past 6 weeks. The kids are devastated, Tom won't talk to me, and his e-mails are incredibly cold blooded and hateful. I don't know what I did, what to do, or how to help my spouse since he's 5000 miles away. He says he does not have PTSD and he's great. Everyone else we know knows nothing about what he is doing. I don't have any family other than my husband and children. I have never felt so lost in my entire life. Any advice would be truly appreciated. Thank you.
You need an advocate
Have you spoken with a chaplain or notified your husband's chain of command that he has stopped financial support? I know this is not your only concern, but you and your children certainly need some means of support. Also, your husband cannot legally stop supporting you and your children as long as he claims you as dependents..
If you do not want to go to a commander, you can speak with a chaplain, and he or she can be an advocate for you and advise you in a situation such as you describe. Aside from the financial, someone certainly needs to know about your husband's erratic behavior, as he could be a danger to himself or others. Who originally told you that he had PTSD? Have you considered asking that person for more information?
I realize you may be hesitant to share your personal life with anyone else, but this is a situation with which you certainly need help. I would suggest a chaplain or Family Advocacy. My heart goes out to you and your children, and I hope that you will reach out and find help for all of you. Please write back and let me know if you are able to find help.
Sincerely,
Terri
Not much help so far.
Hi Terri:
My spouse is actually retired military but works for the DOD. Since everything he does is classified I don't even know who he reports to or exactly where. I spoke to one of his former colleagues about the situation and although she did all she could to help out all that happened was she was informed the right people were checking out the situation. They got back to her and then she contacted me and said he was declared fit for duty. Because his position is highly critical he works 18 hour days/7 days a week so of course he would be declared fit - they need him in his assignment. When we got married his sisters told me he had a history of PTSD which I witnessed several times, however we were able to work through everything because he was here. I never realized how severe it could be until now and watching him turn into a different person as well as reading the stories of other spouses.
I have had to hire an attorney to obtain financial assistance and my spouse is starting to provide some financial support but its his behavior that is tearing us apart. Its almost as if he has declared war against me. He won't communicate with me at all, other than extremely cold-blooded e-mails. He has hired a ruthless attorney and is tearing me and my children apart. He even called the kids school the other day saying I was refusing to let the children talk to him and wants to contact them through school. Neither one wants to talk to him because he has hurt them so bad and my son, especially, is once again afraid of him. However, Tom won't listen and blames me for everything. The kids are in counseling and the counselor said they need time and not to push them to communicate with him at the present. But Tom won't believe me about that either. I don't know how to help my husband and protect my kids at the same time. I know I need to take care of myself and my children but it's breaking my heart that I can't get through to Tom and stop him from dessimating our family. Any other advice is truly appreciated. Thanks so much. Brandie
Saving a drowning man
It sounds like you are really on top of things, as far as taking care of your children and the legal aspects of your situation. I am so glad to hear that the kids are seeing a counselor. My next question is: How are you taking care of yourself?
What I'm understanding from your posts is that as a loving wife and mother, you are trying to reach out and help your husband and pull your family through this situation. However, your husband's actions are those a of a drowning man. He is flailing in the water in panic, and is a danger to anyone who comes hear him, even those who are trying try to save him. If you get too close he could pull you under while you are reaching out to help. It's a harsh reality, but you cannot save him until he decides to accept help. As you've realized, he does not even admit that he has a problem, but instead is blaming you.
If I understand correctly, then, your question is "How can I help my husband and save my family?" My answer is to focus on saving those who can accept help, your children and yourself. Continue with counseling for the children. Find a counselor for yourself, if you haven't already. It is very possible that your husband will realize that he is destroying his life and his family, and admit that he needs help. At that point, you will be able to support him and help him, but only if you are well and whole. (This is also essential for your children's survival.) In the mean time, I believe you cannot help your husband until he admits that he needs help. Don't answer or acknowledge his hurtful e-mails and other messages. You can let him know you will stand by him and that you are not his enemy, but by the same token you will not stand still and let him verbally abuse you. Allowing him to do that does not help him and will only hurt you.
Also, the fact that your husband has contacted your children's school is worrying. You have probably already done this, but be sure the school counselor, a trusted teacher or administrator is aware of the situation: that your children are in counseling, and especially that your son is afraid of his father in his present condition. This will be especially critical if your husband is still lashing out at you when he returns home.
I am not a professional counselor, and so I urge you to consult one on your own behalf. The first step toward rescuing the drowning is to keep the lifeguard healthy and prepared. I would like to know how you are doing, Brandie, so please stay in touch if it is helpful to you.
Sincerely,
Terri
Thanks ladies
Hi Terri and Shannon:
Thank you so much for your comments and suggestions. Everyone warned me this situation would get much worse - and it has. Although both my children and I are in counseling, my spouse's actions are still tearing us apart. Even with the counselor's written recommendation and concern, my children's school supports my spouse in communicating with them through the school. The school even said they would pull the kids out of class when my spouse calls. I've checked with attorney's and I can't stop it. My son is now terrified to go to school. I'm finding out that my spouse has a history of abuse towards him and he never said anything out of fear of retribution from my spouse. Unfortunately I can't prove anything other than the word of a child. I also suspect that my spouse is now back in the states and keeping his whereabouts a secret. Although he told the kids he won't be back until this summer, the letters he sent to them at their school are postmarked here in the states. I also found out that my spouse plans to file for custody of the children. Other people are questioning whether this whole mess was planned a long time ago and there is a girlfriend involved. Who knows? I've accepted that my marriage is over, but I don't know how to protect my children when I can't prove anything. If anyone has experience with this and recommendations on how they legally protected their children, I would greatly appreciate any and all advice. My son has stated he wants to move out of the country he is so afraid.
Thank you again for your wonderful comments and kind words. Although I hate to see anyone go through this nightmare, it helps hearing from other people who have gone through similar situations. God bless everyone.
Brandie
Protection for children
Brandie,
Concerning protection for your children, I think you should get a second legal opinion. I'm surprised an attorney would tell you there is nothing you can do if you suspect your husband has been abusing your son. In cases of child abuse, the word of a child should certainly be enough to get someone's attention.
If you are getting no help from the school or from your attorney, and you are fearful of harm to your children, your next step should be local law enforcement. If your husband has abused your son, that is a criminal matter, not a civil, family matter. You should also get some substantiation from the counselor who is seeing your son, so that no one could claim that you are influencing your children to be fearful or to turn them against your husband.
This is especially crucial if you think your spouse has returned and is keeping his whereabouts a secret. About the postmark, you may be aware that when a letter is sent from an APO or FPO overseas, it still has a US postmark from the military postal facility that processes it in the states.
Let me know how you are doing.
Sincerely,
Terri
saving a drowning man
My heart just goes out to all the families who are suffering so much from PTSD. Just know you are all in my prayers. Brandie I couldn't imagine having children and going through this. My husband and I have been married 18 years and it has been hard but i have gotten through it. I couldn't understand why he didn't want to be around me. The only advice i can give is exactly what Terri said take care of yourself and the ones who will accept the help. This tore our marriage apart in February 2007, i have tried not to argue and tell him how i feel, it hasn't been easy but he has seen nearly 14 months later who has stood by his side silently and respects me more for that. Our marriage didn't last but our friendship has gotten stronger and I hope the same for you for your childrens sake. Good luck to you and your family. You are in my prayers as well as the other families who have suffered from this horrible condition that we have no control over.
update on my situation with PTSD
Well it has been a while since I posted a comment but i just wanted to let you all know how my situation has evolved. My husband has now been released from Walter Reed hospital Outpatient facility i am sure you all remember how he shut me out of his life and didn't want my help or anything. He showed up at my house last week with no where to go, i am letting him stay at my house even though we are still getting a divorce and after the way he treated me. I know he can't help it. This is the sad part our government cares nothing about our soldiers, they dope them up on all kinds of meds and then once released they are totally lost and don't know where to begin. He is very different and he doesn't understand why i am so distant, well i am ready to move on with my life i have taken this past year to get myself right and get over the hurt. I don't know what to do i want him to have a home and a life but it can't be with me, he didn't want me then but he knows i am the only solid thing in his life. I hope i am doing the right thing i just know he doesn't have a clue as of what to do now, that is where our government failed!!! You can't just keep a wild horse pinned up and then release them and expect them to know what to do. I do want him to move on so i can move on i was finally to that point and now this happened. Oh by the way he is going to be a Dad and no i am not the mother, i don't need any of this in my life, i don't want to hurt him but he didn't mind hurting me i could be very cruel but i don't work that way. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Marriage Destroyed
My marriage is over, and my ex husband is no longer the same since he's been back from Iraq. He used to be a sweet, calm, funny guy, that was always there for me, I used to tell him, that hugging him was recharging my battery, cause it didn't matter how bad a day I was having, the moment I saw him, everything seemed to go away. He has now turned into a judgemental, criticizing, angry person. It didn't take long for the diferences to show. He started having problems sleeping, having problems driving, he said he kept getting tunnel vision while driving and had to pull over a few times. The nightmares were horrible,I used to wake him up and it took him a while to actually wake up. But then the worst of all started... the drinking... all this anger and confusion when mixed with alcohol was a horrible thing, he started breaking things at home, would "lecture"me for hours in how I did everything wrong, and when I wouldn't answer anything, he would get furious, but if I said anything back, he would also get furious.. we no longer had dinner together, he would sit in the kitchen and drink until he fell asleep.. then when he woke up, he would yell at me because I let him fall asleep in the kitchen.. the truth is that I was happy when he fell alseep, it meant I had peace.. we had a gun at the house, and sometimes during these fights, he would get the gun and lock himself in the bathroom.. I would beg him to give me the gun... he would answer, dont'worry I'm not gonna do anything.. he would call me horrible names, put me down.. I was walking on eggshells around him, anything could set him off.. and then there were days when the man I knew was back, we would go shopping and go out dancing, and everything was great.. he didn't want to get help, he said he was his own psychologist, he knew himself better than anyone.. when I started seeking help.. I now have clinical depression... he got mad at me for that.. said he didn't have time for depression.. so after all this, we got divorced, was final in March.. we still talk, we were together a total of 12 yrs.. I read his email and all the letters he wrote me through out his deployments, and it makes me to sad.. he is no longer in the military, but is still in a military related job, overseas.. he sends me pictures, and I see so much hatred, and anger in his eyes.. the same eyes that I before saw laughter... he says we did a mistake by getting divorced, that he wants to get back together, he wants to get help and settle down and have a family with me... we don't have any kids... and I would like that so much, we still love each other very much...but I know that it's not an option at the time, he needs to get treatment, and at the same time I feel guilty that I left him, while he's "sick".. but I guess it made me sick as well, and I would be of no help to him. Anyways, that's my story.. I am now left with letters, emails and videos of a man that no longer exists..
Carioca and Shannon
Carioca and Shannon,
I don't think I can add anything to the encouragement you two are providing for each other. I just wanted to say I'm here and listening and praying for you both.
Did you see my birthday note to you, Shannon? (I can't believe we've been at this together for more than a year now.)
Sincerely,
Terri
More than a year now
Hello Terri. I didn't see my birthday note. It is so hard to believe it has been a year i have came so far, Thank you for all your help. I am going to try and keep checking on this website, I really feel for these spouses. i don't know what to say to them except let them know they are not alone because that is how i used to feel, it is a horrible feeling but it does pass. Thanks for everything and God Bless.
Understand and very dissappointed
Your letter was very telling. We see it all the time here at USA Cares and know that you are one of the "Caring Casualties" of this war on terror. We think that families like yours are torn apart simply because either the lack of treatment or the denial of the condition. We are part of a Coalition and a Rand Study that was commissioned by the same coalition reports that perhaps as many as 300,000 guys and gals are potentially suffering from PTSD and half of them are undiagnosed and those that are, only have are receiving treatment.
You didn't mention if he ever sought treatment or if he would have taken it, but I wish he would have.
My regards and prayers,
Roger
USA Cares
support for you
you are so brave and strong for getting help and reaching out. thanks for your post. so many feel so alone in this military post deployment world. you aren't sick....you are recovering.
i am not sure if you are a religious person, i hope it brings comfort to you to know that i am praying for you and your ex-husband.
Thank you for your support
I sometimes don't feel very brave. i am a very religious person that is what has got me through the. The comfort of the Lord and my faith in knowing that he is in control of everything not me. Thank you so much for your prayers i truly appreciate them.
marriage destroyed
I feel your pain trust me. I can't believe how many marriages have been destroyed by PTSD. You are more than welcome to read my post they go all the way back to April 2007. Me and my husband have been married 19 years i am still waiting on my divorce. He shut me out of his life last year when they sent him to Washington, DC from Iraq with PTSD from reading your post i am very thankful he did me that favor. It has been a long hard road but i have gotten through this, i sometimes wonder if i have PTSD from all of the stress he put me under. We are now very good friends and he knows that he done me horribly. Please read my posts i believe you have done the right thing you have to take care of yourself first or you can't help someone else. I felt guilty even though he shut me out. The government thinks they are helping our soldiers by sending them to a hospital and putting them on all these medications but they aren't helping them it is making it worse. my husband is in a transistion now from Army life to civillian life, he has nowhere to live and no job so where did he come? to me of course so i have now opended my home to him to help him as he is trying to get his life straightened out but at the same time i have been showed how we are so different now, we have nothing in common at all and we used to have so much in common. I love him and i am not In love with him, it is tough but he is working on getting his life together i thought the least i could do is giving him a familiar place to lay his head that is just the type of person i am. I wish you all the best and i am truly sorry to hear your marriage was destroyed by this horrible but you aren't alone. He has told me about couples that stay in the Malone House that is the outpatient facility at Walter Reed hospital and what a mess their marriage is in and that it hurt him to know he was hurting me but he was also trying to protect me, it is really a double edged sword. He is very different, i don't see the outrage like i did last year but he knows he can't drink at my house, plus he isn't on all that medication. i know i am just rattling on but just know you are in my thoughts and i hope it all gets better. I didn't think mine could get better but it does I give all my problems to the Lord he is the only man i know i can depend on because he wants the best for me and with time he has revealed things to me to help me understand what has happened with my marriage and i didn't realize it until i started typing this letter to you. Good luck to you.
Marriage Destroyed
Hi Shannon,
Thanks for responding, i was very glad when I came across this website yesterday. But at the same time I was sad to see that so many people have the same issues that I do. Like your ex me and my ex are still friends also, we chat online quite a bit, and he seems like the guy that I knew, and then all of a sudden he goes off on his tantrums and blaming stuff on me again.. the only good news is that he's finally talking about getting help.. when we got divorced he didn't think he needed any help, he acts as if the world owes him a favor, and is so arrogant, makes me very angry. Just yesterday he was talking to me about us getting back together and all his plans on going about that, and how we needed to get to know each other all over again and all that.. I said that I needed more time, couldn't get into a relationship right now... and that was it.. he completely changed and went back on blaming me. That he is the one that always opens up and tells me his feelings about stuff, and all I do is judge what hes said, and give positive or negative responses to it.. so I asked him what response he wanted from me, when he tells me his feeling about stuff.. and let me clarify this.. his feelings about stuff means, critisizing or blaming me for something... he just said.. whatever and that was the end of the conversation...lovely huh??... I did read your posts, and much of what you were saying was related to what I was going thru.. about the PTSD, I read somewhere that we do have it also, I was also told that I also suffer from stockholm syndrome. I am in the process of getting help for my depression, once I'm better I'll see if I need further help. And I would have taken my ex in just as you are doing if I were in your position.. I think you are doing the right thing.. we are the only ones that knows what we have been thru and what these men meant and mean to us.. is there a cure for PTSD? do they ever go back to normal? I have played shrink to him many times, he's told me a lot of stuff that he's been thru, some stuff I really didn't want to know... but.. I sat there and listened to it all, always being on his side... but I can only help so much, I'm not a trained professional... well anyways, thanks for the support, it's good to have people to talk to..
How PTSD affects wives
I found this list on a website, thought it was very interesting, it's a list of what the wives go thru. It's talking about vietnam war wives, but it applies to us as well.. I have every single feeling that is on that list... here's the link:
www.davep.info/ptsd_wife.html
marriage destroyed
You are welcome for the support that is the least i can do. i never thought i would experience this. I hear everything you are saying and he still does that to me, just last night it is like he just pushes my buttons to see what i will do and it kills him that i just ignore him now, when a year ago i let him know it bothered me because it did now it doesn't... thank goodness. I see the biggest difference in him, and you know i have questioned why he has came back in my life all of the sudden and i really believe it is the Lords way of showing me I am better off. My husband is 37 he got a girl pregnant in Washington who is only like 25 and their baby is due in September.... i can't have children and yes i will admit this bothered me at first but not anymore everything happens for a reason and i am now so thankful he and I couldn't have children.... i have had a hysterectomy so it won't happen where i have my own. There have been alot of times i have been in the valley but i can tell i am headed to the top of the mountain and you will too. I will continue to check in to the spouses blogs let me know if you need anything i am always here if you need someone to talk to.
marriage destroyed
Hi Everyone,
I need some guidance and opinions here. After all that has happend with the divorce and all, and I'm now living in another country, my home country.. my husband wants to get back together.. he's home right now, injured ( nothing life threatening) he had been hinting for a while and last night he straight out asked me to get back with him.. I told him that we need to talk a lot and resolve many issues before I can answer him.. which he accepted.. I'm just not sure what to do.. my heart obviously tells me go for it.. but I'm just afraid, that everything will go back to the way it was towards the end, and I'll be back in the nightmare I was towards the end of my marriage. Not to mention that my mother hates my ex husband, and I will have to go to war with her (again) if I decide to get back with him.. I'm just afraid that things won't change and that I'll have gone thru everything all over again just to be unhappy, actually miserable again.. I know that we could have a wonderful marriage and be happy with kids and all, but I'm just afraid that we won't.. he hasn't seeked any mental help, i'm still his " shrink" ... he tells me lots of things, and I try my best to help him out and try to support and understand him.. he's even willing to move to where I am.. can anyone shed a light on this situation?? has anyone been thru something similar??
Marriage destroyed
Hello Carioca. I have been through something similiar, it wasn't easy but i Knew i had to protect myself finally keyword is finally. I gave my marriage many chances. If he really loves you and wants to work it out he will do anything to make it work anything you want him to do within reason. I would be very afraid to go back to a situation like that, my husband wasn't violent but he treated me horribly. I don't want him back and he accepts that and we are the best of friends now, which shows he truly respects me the way he should, and who knows what will come of this friendship but i have learned to protect my heart because no one else will. Do what makes you happy not him or your mom and i am not trying to disrespect your mom at all. I wish you the best of luck and please keep in touch.
Shannon
The effective, largely unused marital resource of Retrouvaille
Retrouvaille (RV) (http://retrouvaille.org/) saved our marriage from the wrath of post-traumatic stress. RV is not, by itself, the only answer - and it is not a counseling service. However, even if the person suffering with PTSD is not getting effective help, RV can provide the outlet and communication template for those marriages on the brink of divorce.
For my husband and I, the couples of RV helped us find our way back to each other - something years of therapy and marriage counseling either could not or would not do. We did not share with other couples. We shared only with each other. It was odd, and refreshing, that so many other couples were present on our weekend, and yet it felt like all the focus was on us and that we were the only ones there.
Frankly, I'm still feeling resentful that not one marriage counselor we ever had, to include chaplains, suggested RV. It was the last thing we tried - and it should've been the first thing suggested to us. We found it on our own, quite accidentally.
While the bulk of RV weekends are available throughout the United States, those stationed overseas in Europe have the option of attending a weekend (and follow up sessions) in Ireland. Before any couple balks at the amount of money they would have to spend to get to Ireland about 10 times (check Ryanair for cheap flights), I would ask that they consider how much money they've already spent dealing with an ailing marriage - and how much it would cost to end the marriage, just in terms of cold hard cash.
For us, the amount of money we spent in an effort to deal with our failing marriage went well into the thousands in a very short period of time because of ineffective counseling and alternative (read: unhealthy) ways of dealing with our stress and heartache.
It is worth noting that RV is a Catholic program - and that my husband and I are atheists. Nonetheless, the program worked, and continues to work for us. At no point have we felt put out, excluded or put upon - and trust me, we looked for it.
For every couple I've seen in attendance, RV is a last resort. This is because the ticket to RV is pain; and by the time a marriage is on the brink, no one wants to share that - not even with their spouse. If your marriage is in serious trouble, no matter the reason, please consider Retrouvaille.
Rediscovery
Thank you for adding another resource for couples in need. Marriages and families are priceless, irreplaceable and worth every effort.
Terri