Spouse Calls in July includes two columns featuring “Military Widow: A Survial Guide,” co-authored by Joanne Steen and Regina Asaro.

To read the July 13 column, Click here.

To read the July 20 column, Click here.

After reading the book, I talked to Joanne for more insight in to the lives of military widows and how to reach out to them.

“I went to my local Barnes & Noble, and found a selection of books on how to cope with the loss of my pet, but none on how to survive the loss of my military husband,” said Joanne, whose husband, Ken, was killed in a Navy helicopter crash in 1992.

She went home empty-handed, but came to rely instead on the experiences and friendship of other military widows. Six years later she went to graduate school, earned a counseling degree, and finished with a determination to write a book that would help military widows through their experiences.

 “Honestly, writing Military Widow was hard for me,” Joanne said.

“I thought there was enough time and distance from my late husband’s death – plus a degree in counseling – but I soon learned that in order to write, I had to go back to being ‘the widow’ again, and revisit some pretty raw subjects of military loss.

“I did it for myself and my widowed friends, so that our hard-earned lessons learned would not be in vain but would be captured, and for the women who will walk in our shoes now and in the future, so that they will not have to learn these lessons on their own, as we did.”

The nature of military loss complicates the already tragic loss of a loved one. The youth of those who die and their service to the country are among the factors.

“That offends our own sense of mortality. This is a life-creating time of life,” she said. “It’s hard to accept the death of someone who lived a purposeful life, not only is it a loss to us personally but it’s a loss to society.

Life as a military dependent is also complicated.

“I still have to use his social security number. It makes it harder to make your peace with the loss because it’s a constant reminder of it.”

A medical appointment can be traumatic, Joanne said. “Before you even get to see the doctor, you’ve got to fill out the form … Then you get in there and they say ‘You have high blood pressure’ Oh, what a surprise. I just brought (my husband) back and killed him in the waiting room.”

As well as an author, Joanne is a speaker, addressing caregivers, military leaders and widows.

“There’s a need both in uniform and out of uniform to learn how to respond to the families of the fallen and wounded warriors,” said Joanne..

She said she was speaking to a group of widows, when one asked “How do I know when I’m feeling better?”

“One of the other women the group said ‘You know you’re feeling better when you get up in the morning one day, and your late husband is not the first thing you think about.’”

“Then everybody goes ‘Oh my God I can’t do that. I could not wake up and not think about him,’ But it’s true. You know you’re feeling better when you’re really living in the present and he’s not the first thing you think about in the morning.”

When reading Joanne’s book, I was struck by the recurring theme that grief is work.

“There are folks who don’t realize it is work,” Joanne said. “In order to get to a point in your life that you do feel better. You’ve got to go through the mud. There’s no getting around it.”

Military widows are often a source of support for each other.

Joanne described her relationship with another woman widowed at about the same time that she was. Joanne said they were very close at first. Later their lives moved on in different directions, but they still have a bond.

“There are two things we do every year. We always send each other birthday cards and we always send each other a card on the anniversary of their deaths,” Joanne said.

“The cards have changed over the years from being sad to being poignant to being hopeful. Now sometimes they’re very upbeat.”

Joanne said her friend told her “After all these years, you’re the only one who remembers. My own family doesn’t acknowledge it.”

“She’s got a great life now. Both of us do,” Joanne explained. “We’re invested in other relationships. Still that fact that somebody remembered. It’s not a downer. It’s just that somebody remembers even after all these years.”

To find out more, go to www.militarywidow.com.