Where is "home" during a long deployment? Do you stay at your assignment, or is it better to go to be near your family. I asked readers, bloggers and other military spouse friends this question.

Obviously, this is a subject near to our hearts. I filled the August 26 Spouse Calls column with the first wave of responses, but the e-mails kept coming.

Please keep posting your thoughts, and reading other spouses' ideas, on the blog. Here are a few of the great answers I got from some of you via e-mail:

"This question actually came up for me about a month ago.  My husband is deploying … very soon.  He was given the option for me to move back "home." I opted to stay here, however I have recently met two wives that are moving back home.  They both have small children and that affected their decision. Our oldest is in the Navy and we have an 11-year-old, so if I had babies I might think differently. We just PCSed here a year ago.  I wish I had known then he would be deploying for 13 months, I might have decided to stay put and then move once he returned from deployment.  The Navy is working on IA orders to coincide with PCS moves, but for now it doesn't work that way. Having been at our last duty station for 8 years, it would have been much easier to deal with a 13-month deployment with a familiar community, all my friends and my career set.  I've spent the last year adjusting, and still feel like we just moved.  I do have to say, I love our new duty station so I plan on making the best of the situation."
Wendy

"I would suggest that if a spouse goes home that she/he be certain to give all pertinent info to the key spouse, first sergeant and whoever needs it so that there is a way to ALWAYS contact her/him. This just happened here with an early return … and several spouses were in the states and no one knew how to contact them."
Kelley

"One thing you could mention is that If they choose to stay (overseas) with a command sponsored letter, they can hop back home in category 4 (one above the normal 5 that unaccompanied spouses get.)  We have utilized that option twice now, and this last time it was the difference of getting on a flight or not."
Pattie

"I would recommend staying where you are if you are well established with friends, community, church, children, etc...I did go live in my hometown for the year my husband went remote and while it was a great time to see my family, my mother was working full time as was my sister-in-law so I had no friends established and it was lonelier than I think it would have been had I stayed at our original base.  My children were young and I would have had play groups, moms to trade babysitting with, military wives as friends.  It was harder to make friends alone and not in a military social circle. Obviously, each situation is different and you need to look at it on a case by case basis."
South Carolina Spouse

"I don’t think it is very reasonable to pick up the kids and move away for the entire deployment.  The home fires need to be maintained for stability both for the kids and the spouse that is deployed. Keeping the changes to a minimum, having a routine, and everyone having their own stuff/space seems to keep everyone operating on an even keel. The other consideration is who you will stay with the whole time you are gone. It is hard on the people that you invade for any length of time, no matter how close you are to that family/person. Staying put may be difficult in many aspects but is in my opinion the most stable, responsible, and least stressful option."
Robyn

"Well, from a more mature spouse without children: I think it definitely depends on if you have children, how many, and how much support the spouse thinks she will need. I considered going home to help out with my Mom (during a one-year remote.) However, we own our home and have two pets, so upkeep of the house and bills and animals was considered. While I did visit (family) more often and was able to stay for longer periods, I didn't live there. I believe I would make the same choice again."
Leigh

"I would stay here (overseas.) I did so in order to keep our lives, my son’s especially as routine as possible. It was weird enough with dad gone.  I didn’t want to upset the apple cart any further by taking him out of his element, out of school and away from friends. I wanted to have everything else remain status quo. Life went on as normal and it helped time pass quickly. If you have just moved overseas, it would definitely be more difficult, but, I would still say to stick it out here. Hold down the home front. There are plenty of support systems for you to tap into … Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  Most military spouses have been there and are more than willing to lend a hand or an ear for whatever support you may need."
Bernadette

"I see nothing wrong with a short visit home, if that will give someone a break, but I think it should be just that... a short visit. Your life, particularly if kids are involved, needs to be as routine as possible. There's enough uncertainty in our lifestyle without complicating it further by alienating yourself from what it truly is … As a signal officer, my spouse was always going somewhere for two weeks that usually turned into two or more months at a time. One time, we were stationed in Fort Huachuca. He was deployed for six months to Kuwait and I was left alone in the desert, relatively new to the area. Staying there, rather than going to stay with my mom … was the best decision for me because I was able to continue my life and not put it on hold waiting for his return. As military spouses, we always seem to be putting our lives on hold for one reason or another. I say grab your chances for normalcy while you can!! Staying put allowed me to keep my mind busy while he was away. An added benefit, I was privy to news about his return probably before he knew it by my established grapevine in his home unit. His return home was easier too, because I had things under control there
already and wasn't adjusting to a return either."
Janet

"My husband is … deployed for 12 months to Afghanistan … Personally, I feel that a family should do whatever they feel is right for them.  So there is no right or wrong answer to your question.  I have chosen to stay because this is my home.  We have been in the military for 14 years and I do not consider my parents’ house my home.  My home is where we PCS. I did choose to live on Ft. Bragg because it has a better support system being around other families that are going through the same situation that I am experiencing.  I do not regret staying here and have done very well considering.  I have a 10 year old daughter and 2 boys that are 2 and 3 years old. I would not move back home if (or I should say 'when') my husband deploys again.  I would do exactly the same thing I did this time. 

I do know of several families that have decided to go home to their parents. One … has chosen to move back because it was very difficult to live with her parents. Another is waiting for her husband to come back … then she will move back.  However, her children have been in 3 different schools in 4 years.  I feel that all the moving around is more difficult for the children and should be well thought out. 

If we were to move overseas I would still not go back to my parent’s house.  I would make the best of it and get through it.  I feel that most Army families already know going into an overseas assignment that the possibility of deploying is very likely.  So there should be no surprises."
No name, please

“For me being the age we were even while in the AF we probably would not have gone back “home” as we didn’t have any parents still living to go home to and other relatives lived all over.  It may make a difference if you were living in Germany and the spouse was to be deployed for several months and knew that he would be returning to finish up more time in Germany again, then I think I would just stay put.”
Arlys

"This is completely personal opinion. I think it depends on the person and a lot of other factors … Personally though if POSSIBLE I feel you should try to stay closer to post because that is where the understanding and the information flow is … we always stay. It's what works for our family because we are two dogs, one cat, two kids, a house we own, kids in school, I work...there is no moving home...it would cost us WAY too much and personally I am happy near my post and with my neighbors. This is our life..."
Tara

When your spouse is gone on a long tour/deployment I suggest to go to where the support group is strongest. Sometimes that means moving, sometimes staying. When my husband did a one year remote (before kids) I stayed at our last duty station because I had the strongest support group there. Now with kids, if we were supposed to PCS after the deployment I might go near the most supportive family group, but still near a military base.

Katy