Well, it was bound to happen. Someone has noticed that the title is "Spouse Calls" not "Wife Calls." It's been very refreshing, has encouraged feedback and inspired some columns about the military husbands among us:
See Spouse Calls March 15
The March 22 column is about men in spouses clubs.
A few weeks ago I heard from Tony, whose wife is in the Army. He wrote to remind us all that men are spouses too, with their own challenges and accomplishments. Click here to read the March 8 Spouse Calls with Tony's letter.
The percentage of men among military spouses is small, probably less than 10%, so it's not surprising that I do not often hear from the masculine point of view. In spite of our gender neutral terminology -- the spouses club, Spouse Calls -- we know we're mostly women out there. The term "military spouse" still conjures up the feminine image, and most family and spouse support is tailored to moms and wives.
After hearing from Tony, I started looking for more military husbands and was able to find a few members of this rare breed of men. I talked to them about their experiences, and you can read more from them in the next couple of weeks in Spouse Calls.
Thomas Litchford, a Navy spouse and writer, is one representative. Thomas is a columnist and blogger for Military Spouse magazine, and has his own eponymous blog about his writing and his life as a stay-at-home dad.
"The civilian military husband is very rare. I think part of the reason for that is that it feels weird," Thomas said. "It’s hard to accept that you’re going to stay home while your wife goes overseas on a deployment."
Thomas was also one of several military husbands interviewed by Stripes reporter Geoff Ziezulewicz for an indepth front page story about male spouses. (March 14.)
Thomas told me about some other military husband bloggers. Here are the links:
Navalgazing
Coffee and Diapers
Here's an especially good post about spouses clubs from military husband John Avelis, the "Coffee and Diapers" blogger.
Other resources and information:
Fatherhood.org also has some information especially for military fathers from the National Fatherhood Initiative.
Thomas Litchford in Military Spouse magazine: On spouses clubs
On CincHouse.com
Article from Army Times
Article from Stars and Stripes
Small but relevant
I am not a wife....or a husband :-)....but rather a "big sister"....to an amazing young woman serving in the ARMY...who has no spouse...but does have a special man in hr life...her (nearly) 2 year old son.
I know they are few and far between but since it touches so close to home for my family ~ I need to share ~ least we forget there are single parents who proudly serve our county. My sister was given the opportunity to leave when she found out she was execting...her reply was..."I'm a solider".
The challenges of a single prent solider are unique and I understand their numbers are small....I just want people to know she exists and is currently deployed in Afghanistan ~ she will miss Mother's Day, her son's 2nd birthday and many other special moments in between. I know there are many parent's who miss these moments....but there is not another parent ~ luckily there is a caring grandma & aunt to hold down the fort ~ and we are all so proud of our solider!
Little sister
What a nice tribute to your little sister. She is blessed to have you and her mother to take care of her precious little one while she is deployed.
Terri
A different society
I received this e-mail from an Air Force husband, who has been married to the military for 18 years:
I read with great
interest your column this last Sunday. (Spouse Calls Mar. 8) I would like to offer my 2
cents. You claim, and rightfully so, that women have a history of
fighting unfair standards thrown upon them from society. I agree
totally. However, the military (Air Force in our case) is a different
type of society.
Our first assignment was
at Tyndall AFB in Florida. My wife's squadron had a "ladies club".
They did away with the spouses club the year before we got there.
Our second assignment
was at a NATO base in Germany. They had an international wives' club.
Male spouses were not welcome because of the foreign pressence and
their wishes to remain women only.
Our next assignment was
to Mountain Home AFB. They did have a spouses club that I tried to
enjoy. I was the only male. After my first, and last, night of bunko
I heard that one of the other spouses complained because she felt she
could not "let her hair down" with her girl friends. I did not attend
too many functions after that.
I have stayed pretty
much away from the spouses clubs after that just taking part in a few
squadron level activities. At our current assignment, I was actually
"accidentally" dropped from the spouses email list. I chose not to go
back on it.
After all of that, I have
tried and tried to fit in with the male members of my wife's units. I
have had a little succes in this area as long as I can play whatever
sport they need another player for, for their teams. But other than
that I am an outsider.
Not to mention that our
wives are in a profession where 88% of the members are male. Every
single assignment there has been at least one jerk who thought they
could take better care of my wife than I.
I have been called "Mrs." in numerous situations and even at a dining out. A good sense
of humor has gotten me through that part.
A different society indeed and in my opinion one that still has issues accepting male spouses.
Sorry to ramble but this has been on my mind for a long time.
DOD Civilian - Female
I am a female DOD Civilian that PCS's and deploys in support of the Army and my husband is fully supportive. When your reader wrote that "The civilian military husband is very rare. I think part of the reason for that is that it feels weird. It’s hard to accept that you’re going to stay home while your wife goes overseas on a deployment." I think you are correct because it was very weird for him to accept at first but he is ok with it now. We work through all of the bugs one day at a time.
Army Husband
I want to just add my 2 Cents I too have been married to the Army for 10yrs. I have been on both sides I am a Vet And a Spouse!!! I Married my Beautiful wife when we were E-3's Privates. When It came time for me to reenlist my wife said I should get out but i told her no i was staying in I Reenlisted and a few months later we deployed leaving my one yr old at home with Big Moma(Grand Mama)(Iam from the south) after we came home from deployment my wife said that one of us needs to ge out of course i said well honey you should but after she broke down that with her job verus mine we would have more duty choices and I could finsh my degree. I thought long and hard and prayed about it. a year later I was up once again to Reenlist but this time I chose to leave the Army. Our first duty station as a Spouse for me was hard the Frg never Invited me out to any functions or partys. my wife unit deployed and not once did I get a Call From Our Frg Leader thank god I knew what and how to take care of things Since I am a Vet. When the unit came home the Seargent Major ask me how I was Doing I said Fine. He said that he knew the Frg Would Take care of all Spouses. I stopped him in his tracks and said NO ONE EVER CALLED OR STOPPED BY TO EVEN SEE IF ME AND MY SON WERE OK. He looked at his Wife Who Was the Battalion Frg Leader And asked why She Replied he is a man and men can take care of themsleves I looked and laughed shook his hand and said dear it time for us to leave. After that I never went to another FRG event again.
Dual military and Spouse
I would like to say it is great that Tony was able to speak on a subject that is overlooked. As a First Sergeant and my spouse being a Chief Warrant Officer, it has been difficult at times for the both of us to fit in with FRGs or to be recognized as spouses because of being military. We have both did as much as possible with the limited time we have to show our full support. As a First Sergeant there is some neutrality that has to be shown but the support for the events is a must from the leaders perspective. When my wife was deployed I can say the organizations we are currently associated with have exceeded the expectations to recognized both of us as spouses. There has been other places of duty where my wife would not get the calls even though she would constantly remind the organizations that she is available for events. I say all that to say this. You get out what you put in and when society accepts the conditions for what they are things will work. You have to make a voice like Tony has done and show support regardless of what happens. Remember influence can often change the outlook of others. I have been invited several times to the spouses coffee or tea meetings, but could not attend. The fact that I still got the emails or phone calls about the meetings is a credit to the persons in the groups and the units involved. Early on before my wife's deployment, I made sure I had a voice and they accepted I wanted to seen as a spouse not just a First Sergeant. You get out what you put in and on the flip side the organizations need to reach out. We all can do better, so fellas step up for what you deserve. Society has not fully accepted women in combat boots or a man as Mr. Mom. Once again Tony thank you for addressing this issue.
Defy generalizations
Thank you all for contributing your points of view. It is good for each of us to see military life from a perspective different from our own experience. Military spouses are very diverse as a group, and I hope this dialogue continues.
Terri
FRG: 'F' is for family, not female
Military husbands are getting more attention lately it seems, but that doesn't mean they always get the support they are looking for during their wives' deployments.
Kristin Henderson has a column on Military.Com about men and their frustrations with Family Resource Groups.
Kristin, a Marine wife stationed in Japan, is the author of "While They're at War" and a journalist whose work appears regularly in the Washington Post Magazine.
Her article serves to remind FRG's and other support groups to focus on the support they exist to provide -- for all spouses, not just wives.
Me too, but not as bad as all that
In reply to the Air Force husband who has been married to the military for 18 years:
My wife and I are dual military and after 7 years on active duty, I became a Navy reservist and stay@home dad.
We now have three sons.
While I have never had to attempt to convert a wives' club, I was elected the president of one of the spouses clubs. Luckily, I was too busy to overhear any negative remarks about my attendence affecting the enjoyment of others... if there were any thoughts or comments to that effect, the ladies were always civil to me and made me feel welcome.
I'm sorry that wasn't the case for you.
On the other hand, there were plenty of play groups, bible studies and other associations that were very clearly intended for women only & not spouses in general.
I'm all for freedom of association, but the existence of these groups was a bit of a shock at the time. Wasn't sexism what so many folks fight to abolish?
Maybe it needs to be said that, I don't go out on "ladies' nights" and have plenty of other safeguards against the appearance of impropriety.
So it's a balance and everyone needs to find a balance for their life that works for them.
It probably goes without saying that some commands (whether through the FRG or Ombudsman or whatever) make a much better effort at including spouses than others & it's a shame that people think men don't ever need help. It felt great to go to a squadron Christmas party with other spouses of deployed servicemembers.
Anyway, I have managed to find a couple other stay@home dads through networking, meetup.com and other resources such as this one... all of which is to say that there are tools available to make life easier, arguably more now than just a couple years ago.
Hang in there and maybe we'll be stationed close to each other!
Cheers!
What you make of it
Thank you! Encouraging words are always welcome. In military life, we certainly learn that our lives are affected by the way we approach the challenge of a difficult situation. And there is no shortage of those!
Terri
Pawnshops New England
Hi,
How many days it takes for issuing the marriage certificate?
Pawnshops New England
State of matrimony
This is a question that can most accurately be answered at your county courthouse. Marriage licensing requirements vary by state. Each state has different requirements for issuing a marriage license, and the licenses are usually issued by the county in which you live. If you want to search online, type your state, county and "Marriage License" into your search engine. But a quick phone call to the license bureau for your county will get you the same information.