Dear M.
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. My husband has PTSD we have been married 18 years and he just shut me out of his life, i am so thankful i am not going through what you are going through. Please get help for yourself it does get harder. My husband isn't violent just VERY cold towards me and wonderful to everyone else. i used to think he was punishing me for something I didn't do but he's isn't, he really can't help it. good luck to you and your husband, i hope things get better for you. I know I have finally come to the point where if i am going to be miserable it will be on my own terms not someone elses. I do pray A LOT for my husband and for myself and i know with the Lord all things are possible.
take care
Shannon Williams

My husband has been home for 6 years from Afghanistan (15 month tour). I understand that I cant fully understand what he is going through but he is scaring me. He has been in counseling for two years and it seems things are getting worse. He has hit me once and both my daughters once (not his kids) during this time.
Last week I started going to counseling myself because I cant handle it anymore. he tells me he doesnt love me one day and tells me he does the next. He tells me I am beneith him. Now he sleeps with a really big knife he got from over there. We no longer sleep together.
I have tried for 6 long years to stand by him but its tearing me and my kids apart. I think its time to leave, even if its temporary, until I know we are safe.
My problem is that I lost my job with an auto supplier two years ago and havent been able to find work since. I have no money and he says his money is his. Some days he wants me to leave and some days he doesnt, but this is really messing with me. I think I just want out but I have absolutely no money and no one to turn to.
I have looked and looked but cant find any financial help to get out. The army just doesnt seem to have a program, or do they?
My husband is no longer in the Army Reserves, as of last year, he got out after 23 years and lost his benefits and retirement. I cant say how he got out but he didnt even tell me he was going to do it, but did it on purpose.
What do I do. I hold him and the war responsible. Why isnt there any programs for the spouses to get out? And if there is, where are they? I don't have any family or friends to help me with this. he has pushed all of my friends out of my life and I cant rely on family. Please, someone help.
I am seriously about to beg to the public. I am so scared that I am going to end up a statistic.
If anyone has any suggestions they can email me at gemsnroses01@aol.com. All I do is hide in my bedroom day after day. I don't want to fight anymore, I just want to salvage what is left of me.
Does anyone understand this and can anyone help. I have tried Military One Source but they cant help and Va will only give loans that I don't qualify for because he is no longer in the army. What do I do. this is serious.
I supported the war effort by supporting him while he was there and all the after effects. My 18 year old daughter even spent 2 years in Iraq and was hit with an IED and suffered a head injury and spent a year at Walter Reed. I have supported this war; seriously, where is my support.

If anything he and I talk about helps anyone out there then it is fine with me. Miguel is a good person and has asked me if it were ok.

As for an update, everything in the house is quiet right now, has been for a few days. I have been leaving hints around about abuse; verbal, financial, physical, or emotional. I even sent him a few podcasts about abuse. Since then he has been very quiet and polite and calm. He hasnt listened to the podcasts yet but says he willing to listen to them. I hope he is not just blowing smoke again.

Other then that, I have been arming myself with loads of information, which has given me several questions to ask my counselor. I guess this is part of the whole process.

One day at a time.

My husband of 22 years just left me. Actually twice now in three days. I cannot explain the emptiness. I don't understand why he needs to leave.
He was a medic in Iraq, running an aid station and has PTSD that seems to get worse each year since his return.
He tells me first that he doesn't like me anymore, that I am too
depressed, don't do enough in the bedroom and that I need to fight for
him. Then he says that I am not supporting him in his efforts to go to school. This is all after I caught him in 'relationships' with two different women and confronted him about it. Similar to last years
issues when his Grandma died.-
We sat the kids down Sunday afternoon and he told the kids he was
leaving, couldn't live here anymore. He came back Sunday night to get
some clothes. He sat down and told me that he needed me to move with him and really back him with school- I said I would, no problem, that the realization the he was leaving made me realize that this house is not important and he is. ~That I loved him enough to do what ever he needed. So, he stayed. We had a fine day, I thought, on Monday, talking about where he wanted to go to school. He had to go out of town for a training class early this morning and left for a motel around 7pm. I called him the next morning to tell him that we were really warming to the idea of moving. He sounded odd- and told me he'd talk to me later. He then text messaged me that he had to leave. He said that I 'made' him change his mind Sunday like I have been doing for all of our 22 year marriage. ~That we have been giving this a chance for 22 years and now the best course of action is to separate. He said that he has needed a lot of things for a long time and hasn't gotten them. That his family should have ran to make him happy and instead told him we couldn't afford it. He said he wants to do things for himself now. He said he resents me because he had to go back to work after coming home from Iraq and hasn't been allowed to do things that make him happy.
Well, there it is. He doesn't want to go to couples counseling although
one of the things he said he wanted me to do if he stayed (Sunday night)
was to start counseling. I actually made contact with a therapist this
morning and had text messaged him about it. I wanted to make sure he new
that I meant what I said. He wrote back that he didn't want me to do
things for him but for myself and that he was worried I would resent him
for making me do things. I told him that wasn't the case at all, but
that he had provided me with the 'kick in the pants' that I needed to
start pulling myself back together. That I was glad to do what he
needed/ asked. Then he said that he shouldn't have had to do that- I
should have always known what he wanted.
I love him so much and want him home so bad. I just don't know what to do. He says we have to be happy alone and then maybe we can try to be happy together. I can't seem to make him understand that I cannot be happy without him. He is my other half.
A couple of months ago he found out that his unit is going back to Iraq.
He's been really troubled about it. I told him that I supported what
ever decision he made regarding that because I understood how hard it
might be if something happened to one of his guys and he wasn't there to
help them, although I REALLY didn't want him to go. It seems like it's
been since then that he has been having so much trouble-

The situation in your blog seems familiar to mine. My husband just got back from Iraq (3rd time there) 3 months ago. He was diagnosed with PTSD this time though. He is irrational, angry, violent, hateful and just plain abusive. He has also been physical with me twice. He is doing some of the things you described: telling me he loves me one day and that he wants a separation the next, etc...He also has power/control problems (his money is his, always right, etc) to where I feel completely unequal and inferior. My husband is in counseling too, and on depakote and klonipin. Sometimes he takes them ok, but a lot he either doesnt take them or takes too much. Also, he is not completely truthful and open with his counselors. Why did your husband wait four years before getting counseling? Have you done any family or marriage counseling? What about your kids? Have you talked to his counselor(s) at all? Do they specialize in PTSD? Just a few days ago, I had an MPO (military protection order) be placed. My husband and I are now forced to stay away from each other with no contact for 30 days. Also, I would talk to a lawyer about your husband and how/why he got out of the Army. There could be something a lawyer can do to get more support from the Army since your husband is suffering from a very serious sickness. Was he offered counseling upon return from his last deployment? I know that my husband is in the process of putting a case together against the Marine Corps for an NJP he got (among other things), and his defense is his PTSD, his untreated PTSD after 3 deployments. Do you want to save your marriage, or have you made up your mind that you definitely want out? You may want to consider some of this before you just up and leave. Maybe get a Civilian Restraining Order, or even see if there is any inpatient help your husband can get so his meds can be regulated, and he can get more specialized regualar help. What did Military One Source tell you? Please...contact me. You dont need to go through this alone. Im going through it too. I wish you and your family the best, and I hope to hear from you....

Hi everyone. I am reading everyone's stories and I am amazed at how many military wives are going through this. My story is a little different, but not any easier. My husband and I have only been married for 9 months. We have no children together, but I have an 8-year-old son from a previous relationship. I met my husband when he was on block leave after his second Iraq deployment. At the time, he had no outwardly visible problems. We were together for 7 months, although it was a long-distance relationship, and were married. Shortly after we were married, I began noticing changes in his behavior. He started being "out of it" very frequently, almost like he was high. Well, it turned out that he was getting high off of percocets every single day. Some of them were prescribed, but not the amount he was taking. He was also crushing and snorting them, not swallowing them. He was using our money to buy them on the street and he also took a bottle of vicodin that I was prescribed after a root canal and replaced them with some other pill. So when I went to take a vicodin for my pain, it wasn't vicodin, was an antihistimine. When the pills I was taking weren't helping the pain, I paid closer attention and looked them up online. That's how I found out. I ended up giving him an ultimatum. He had to go to detox and rehab, or I was leaving. So he went to detox and rehab. When he was discharged, they had him on xanax and flexiril, both of which he immediately began abusing. I went to his prescriptionist and told her what he was doing, so she weened him off the xanax and stopped the flexiril. So in the midst of his meds being changed every week, he started to become combative (not to me or my son), verbally abusive, and complacent. We started going to marital counseling and our counselor told him that he is in charge of his life and he needs to seek out help for his PTSD and that he is just probably self-medicating for that. So now, my husband has been in 3 different detox facilities and has had problems in all of them such as being verbally abusive to the staff, discharging himself AMA, and he even punched a security guard, which got him put on 72 hours of suicide/assault watch. My head is spinning and I'm sure yours is too after this information overload. My main problem now is that I have become afraid of my husband. He has never hit me or my son, but he has thrown his wedding ring and phone at me and accidently hit me with his cane (he has a sore knee and went and bought a cane to walk on; he is a hypochondriac). He also likes to play with his assault knives at home. He's never threatened me with them, but it scares me that he might have one of his episodes and that he will grab it out of anger. Am I overreacting? He hasn't been allowed to come home or be alone around me or my son in 2 1/2 weeks. I don't know what to do at this point. He is back to drug-seeking the percocets and is now also on valium, trazodone, halidol, klonopin,and I'm not sure what else. They are wanting to send him to a chemical dependency program for 6-8 weeks and then to a PTSD treatment facility for possibly 28 days. We are in Colorado away from any friends/family. Should my son and I move back to Georgia where we're from for the time being? My husband is being med-boarded out of the army and we'd be moving back there anyway. I am unsure of even wanting to be in this marriage anymore. I know I can't have children with him because he can't even take care of himself, much less an innocent little one. I apologize for being this length with my post. I am desperate. I know I have to do what I think is best for my son and I, but I am worried that if we leave that my husband will hurt himself and/or someone else. But if I stay, I am worried that he will end up hurting me or worse, my son.

So tell me this: My husband knows that I am planning/thinking of leaving and now has done a 360 on me. Is this just one of his yo yo moments? He knows I am in counseling, he knows I know he hasn't been honest with his counselors; and he is just acting/being all kind and sweet and listening and understanding. What is up with this? Is it a smoke screen till things calm down? God help me, I don't know anymore.

We have been back and forth; and up and down; year after year. Whenever things get tough and he thinks that I have the courage to leave he just reverts back to the sweet man he was when we met.

Am I being manipulated again or is he for real this time? I can't tell; and I don't have much, if any, trust in him; and I've been told that I am nieve; so how to do I tell if this is just another sweet talk session? Are there still signs I can look for even though he has his guard up and is standing on his acting stage?

A little input or advice would be appreciated.

Marciea

I found horribly violent pron on my soon to be husbands' computer- we both served in Iraq together, he is a very sweet man, never ever violent, never raised his voice to me or been anything but sweet- I was shocked and sickened by it....He swears that he just downloaded the stuff late one night and never watched it....
I am not sure I can understand this, I know we both have PTSD, I am working on myself, going to counseling, etc. He does not have time....
I dont know what to do, but I cant put what I found out of my mind.

My husband started out the same way. A few months after he returned home he started looking at porn on the internet. It was even being charged to our bank account. Not just once but several times; that was 6 years ago; I didn't see that it may have been a sign. Now our marriage is struggeling and possibly over and he can't seem to stop looking on single dating sites (and who knows what else), I don't look anymore, I know enough.

Just sit him down when he is in a calm mood and up for talking and don't attack him about it. Just calmy explain to him that you think you need counseling to deal with all the changes and ask him if he will go with you. Do what you can to get the counseling. I make no promises that it will bring you to back to eye to eye, but it helps you one way or the other.

***** luck.

Ive been seeing him for a year. he was diagnosed with ptsd, i pushed him to go to the va for counseling, pushed him in to school. i new this was going to be a long road, but i loved him and wanted to stay by his side. he seem to push me away sand then pull me back in. one day he tells me he wants to spend his life with me and is scared to lose me the next he wants me out of his sight, then its back to loving me, and then he wants to break up with me. i dont understand it. i keep trying to make it work but i dont know what to do anymore. i met him right out of the army, so ive never known him any other way, but i still love him more then anything and its tearing me up in side. i dont know what to do or where to go to get help for us.

being new to the whole preconception of PTSD i am not sure where to start or who to start with i have called the military one source and they can not help my husband until i can get him to admit there is a problem so far this has not happened. i met him after his one year tour in Iraq and did not know much about him other than he seemed to be the most dependable caring loving man that i had ever come accross. six mo into our relationship i was pregnant a year later we were married everything was great he seemed so perfect perfect husband perfect father.... than when our daughter was about 9 mo old i got pregnant again.... my hubby turned into something else in a matter of weeks yelling constantly screamin out in his sleep finding every excuse to not be with us... our second child is now 4 mo old and i can't deal anymore... there are classic signs of pstd he won't even talk to me yells at his babies whenever he is around which is not often. burys himself in his work its like we don't even exist. he denies the dream i hear

My husband has PTSD and I really was feeling alone out here in the civilian world.
Thinking that no one out there understands and know what I'm going through.
Then I found this blog and site "Thank you Jesus" I am not alone.
I have read through the blogs, every story connects with what I have been or going through right at this minute.

The empty feeling, rejection, most of all not understanding what my husband had all these years. I wish I had known about PTSD. It's affects a few years ago. I know now I would have stood beside my soldier and learned more about how to deal with the changes and what I could have done to help keep my family educated. My husband after about 11 deployments for the ARMY is getting treatments for PTSD & Brain Trauma Injury. At the VA Hospital in Martinez, Ca.

I had hated him and what he had become so much I up and left. I was lost into the world trying to find answers for myself. Wondering where I went wrong and what have I done to get such treatment from the one man who promised to Love me & protect me from all harm & pain.

I played right into the hands of this PTSD not knowing that my husband really was fighting to come back to me. But it's hard to recognize his path when his mind is unstable and out of control.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am a believer in God and my vows to my marriage. We all have our own situations some may be harder then others in many different ways.

One thing has brought me back to to were I am today. To make things work for the better cause I know
"God will never give me more then I can handle."

There is a reason why we are who we are and why we love the soldiers we are fighting for now.
My thoughts are, If We don't love, fight for them and stand beside them? Who else will?.

God bless and prayers..

Hello friends,

I am married to a 23 year career Army/Air Force retired vet with PTSD.

In our 14 year marriage, the last 3 years has been like I'm married to a different man. He delights in conversations with pure strangers (people that he will never see again) but pulls away from any sense of depth in contact with me or his grown children. He no longer goes to bed the same time I do, nor does he seek me out physically. He seems to avoid any chance of intimate physical contact with me. He tells me his physical needs are not being met elsewhere so I don't think there is another person in the picture. I think he's just very alone.

I feel invisible a lot of the time I am with him. On occasion, he doesn't respond to questions I ask or says nothing - like he didn't hear me. He seeks out things to do that put him away from other people, like listening to his iPod (even when other people are around), going on walks by himself, spending long hours on the computer, not going to group gatherings, avoiding anything that might require a bit of effort.

He's often irritable and makes grouchy comments when people come into our home, for a meeting or social gathering. He flies off the handle at simple things. He also self medicates with alcohol and has been doing so for years. I've started going to Al Anon, but I feel like I also need help with PTSD, as a spouse. I'm in counseling, but I still feel like I've been hung out to dry. Is anyone else out there feeling like this?

Lena

On one hand it is good to read this blog because my husband has been acting EXACTLY like many of these people with PTSD. His case is unique -- he was in a horrific accident 20 years ago, and due to economic concerns / mid-life crisis / whatever, his PTSD really hit him 6 months or so ago.... He's numb, suicidal, not into physical contact, has retreated from all adult relationships, very agitated and angry most of the time....

Can anyone tell me of any success stories for families dealing with PTSD?!? I've been reading that PTSD is treatable, but how, how long, how do we get from here to there?

My husband has been going to counseling for 6 months, and just this week agreed to start some type of medication. But I'm not so convinced his counselor is pro-active enough -- seems pretty passive to me (or what I can surmise...I'm not allowed near him). My husband and I still love each other very much, and there has been no cheating involved that I am aware of... I reluctantly am excepting his moving out, in hopes that he can get his issues worked out and hopefully return, ready to be a husband again.

He's a wonderful father, but he's moving out because he afraid that the kids are starting to see his darker side sneaking in (he's been pretty successful at hiding his issues from them -- unfortunataly I'm the only one who he feels free to expresses all of his bi-polar-like emotions to.)

What now? He has refused to go to therapy together, feels that he has to get himself straight before he and I can go together. I'm about to find a therapist for myself (it's time...), but when do we start working toward this together as a family?!

He's moved out and I understand that there is a chance that we will never reunite. I waver (hourly) between compassion, anger, sadness, confusion and helplessness....

I would love to hear some positive stories!!!!