A deployed soldier's comments are featured in the Nov. 23 Spouse Calls. He wrote to take issue with a statement made by a Ann, a military wife, whose story was related in the Oct. 19 column.
The soldier was offended by some of Ann's remarks, particularly when she said, "We forget that the Army takes our loved ones and turns them into mass murders, with no conscience or hope. We forget that they either find God or turn their backs on him. The become a large ball of anger and hate that only sleeps, eats, and does what it is told. They have no other way of living and forget that there is something other than war."
The soldier's opinion is that many issues plaguing families suffering through post-traumatic stress disorder are pre-deployment issues magnified by the trauma of war and separation. He advised families to deal with problems and conflicts effectively on both ends of deployment.
An apology and a correction: I wrote in this week's column that Ann originally posted her comments on the Spouse Calls blog. That is not correct. She sent her story to me by e-mail, and I posted it to the blog. I'm sorry for the mixup.
Click here to read all of Ann's comments on the blog.
Can we ever plant roots?
As a brand new Army spouse, I am finding it very difficult to adjust to this new lifestyle, and I have many questions that need answers coming from people's experiences. I just completed my first military move from a major U.S. city to a suburban town, and I am devastated. I left a great job that I worked very hard to get only to find myself scrounging for employment in our new duty station. I don't fit in with the other Army wives I've met because I don't have children and don't plan to. In short, the beginning of our marriage has been incredibly stressful.
My question has to do with moving. I know of many military families who have been stationed in the same place for long periods of time, thus enabling their families to plant roots and establish themselves in schools, jobs, etc. Why does this happen for some and not others? Are there specific fields in which a soldier must work in order to stay in the same place? I would like to know other people's experiences with this matter and also how spouses manage to find gainful employment when they have to quit their jobs every couple years.
Roots and wings
Dear Sarah,
Brand new to the military, and already you have encountered the questions that most military spouses ask themselves at one time -- or every time they move: Where do I fit in? and Do I still have a life? You are a fast learner! Asking these questions is the first step to finding the answers.
Feeling "devastated" is definitely par for the course when you have just left behind everything to follow your military husband. Give yourself time to adjust. I know that is an old piece of advice, but it has survived because it is true. Adjusting to marriage, let alone military marriage, does not happen in a hurry.
There are military spouses out there who are career women like you, who with perseverence are able to create a career for themselves even with the challenges of moving. I realize the stay at home moms probably outnumber the career women, but keep looking. You will find them.
Keep up the job search, and keep an open mind and be creative about how to use your talents and training in new ways. Find volunteer work to fill your time constructively in the mean time. This might also create contacts and help you make friends.
An excellent book to offer some practical answers to your questions is "Help! I'm a Military Spouse I Get a Life Too" by Kathie Hightower and Hollie Scherer. Click here for their web site. Their book is full of practical advice on the subject of surviving and thriving as a military wife. They also focus particularly on maintaining a career. This is a very helpful book for new spouses, and I don't even get paid for saying so!
To answer one of your questions, there are some military members in some career fields who are able to "homestead" at one location for a long time, but they are the exception. However, moving around does not prevent you from having roots. As a military family, we have moved every two or three years for the past 20 years. We do have roots, but they are not geographic. Our roots are in our beliefs, our principles and in our love for each other as a family. Wherever we go, we have each other, and that is our security.
That security gives us wings to launch out and take risks in every new place we call home. Tonight my son was filling out his college applications and listing the places he has lived and experiences he has had ... seeing the lights in Tokyo, beachcombing in Guam, Christmas markets in Germany ... and that's the short list.
More important than the sights we have seen are the friendships we maintan with people all over the world. Those friends are also part of our roots, even when they live far away.
So welcome to this wonderful life. I hope that you will find that the joy and adventure of being a military wife (and the friends that you keep no matter where you go) will make the heartache of starting over easier to bear. Please stay in touch. We'd love to know how you are doing.
Sincerely,
Terri
More encouragement
To see additional advice for Sarah from the authors Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer, see the Jan 11 Spouse Calls column
For more advice from another experienced spouse, read on ...
Moving On Up
Dear Sarah,
I’m sorry to hear you’ve heard of so many who haven’t moved. Mostly, I’m sorry for them. They’re not being afforded the promise that only comes with actually moving around.
If it’s any consolation, it will get worse - assuming this is not your last move. Having said that, you should also know there is a great deal that gets better and will counter and exceed all that gets worse. This life is the great adventure in every sense of the word. Moving is just one aspect of the military life, and while it is a significant part, it isn’t the only part by any stretch of the imagination.
Moving all over the place is full of bad news and good news.
The bad news is the move you just made probably won't be your last. The good news is it'll be a long while before you have to worry about the kind of dirt and excess that builds up in a home that's been settled for more than a few years.
The bad news is you'll have to say goodbye to the friends you've made. The good news is you'll hone your ability to make friends, thus you'll spend less time friendless at the next location and you'll likely make a better quality of friend – specifically, the kind of friendships that last no matter where either of you go.
The bad news is you'll eventually have to quit any job you have in a brick-and-mortar location. The good news is being the wife of a military man and having worked in a different state or country is an attractive quality to some employers. Too, any skill and talent you have that travels or can go to work online opens up many an opportunity for you (i.e.: editing, writing, transcribing, data processing, group management, etc).
Unless you absolutely need the income, paid employment is not a military wife's only resume-building option. I would encourage any new wife to pursue a college degree and do as much volunteer work as possible - especially volunteer work on base or post. This not only fattens up a resume, it also expands your horizons, gets you in touch with your new community in a fast and efficient way, and puts you in direct touch with others in similar situations and with similar interests.
I could've done without the roller coaster ride that was my first three years as a military wife, but then I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have the skills I do; I wouldn't have flushed out the talents I now know I have, and I wouldn't have made the kinds of friends that last forever.
Unlike what I thought when first embarking on this great adventure, it turns out the world is a relatively small place - and yet it holds so many fascinating people with so much culture, history, art, language and fun.
My amateur interest in genealogy has allowed me to visit and photograph the places my ancestors lived and died – from my 1970’s home in Wichita to their 1650’s homes in the Netherlands.
On the other hand, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been shopping for curtains for a whole new set of windows, only to find myself unable to recall the windows of the house we were in at that moment. I’ve often had to mentally flip through pictures of our every house just to get to the one we’re in now. If someone asked me, I don’t know what my answer would be to the question, “Are you bragging or complaining?”
The best part of this life is what all of this has done for my children. I would never have thought my daughter, who dug up every part of our every backyard in Eastern North Carolina and Southern California, would one day be studying archaeology around the world.
My son got in trouble numerous times over the years for drawing in his notebook instead of listening to his teachers. Now he's studying art and art history -- up close and personal in museums in many different countries -- and wants to start out his career as an art teacher for the Department of Defense Dependents' Overseas Schools (because, he says, “No one understands a dependent who likes to draw like another dependent who still draws”).
As do most military kids, all my kids developed specific and unique skills that helped them be more outward and flexible as a result of moving from state to state, country to country, school to school and neighborhood to neighborhood. My youngest seemed to use these skills to perfect the art of public performance. Now she's well into a stage production of High School Musical as if that is what people do every day.
This life is filled to the brim with loneliness, anguish and hopelessness – all of which any seasoned military wife can tell you does ease with time and effort. This life is also filled with delight, wonder and experiences that are almost exclusive to the military lifestyle.
It’s understandable that you’d look for some stability in this unstable time of your life by seeking gainful employment. The military will, however, redefine “stable” and “gainful” in ways you might never have thought imaginable. The process can be painful, just like growing pains that wake a small child in the night, but just like that small child, there is much to be said for being taller, stronger and more mobile than those who never suffer at all.
Sincerely,
Diana Hartman
(Ret.) Marine wife, 23 years
Stuttgart, Germany