Brenda Pace and her friend and fellow Army wife Carol McGlothlin write books together.
The One Year Yellow Ribbon Devotional (Tyndale House) contains 365 days of inspirational readings. For the Jan 25 Spouse Calls, I talked to Brenda about the book and about military life.
Brenda said the book is intended to support the military community, but is appropriate for use by military and civilian readers alike.
The first book the pair wrote together, Medals Above My Heart, (Broadman and Holman, 2004) is a devotional especially for military spouses.
While promoting that book, Brenda said she was asked repeatedly by non-military interviewers about the difficulties of Army life.
She said she heard questions like: “Don’t you find it hard to build relationships, to leave your friends, to keep your family together?”
“People expected the negative from military life in general,” Brenda said. “I felt like this one woman crusade to vanquish the negative attitude.”
“I think I’ve met the finest people ever that I could hope to meet in the military and that’s from all walks of life,” she said. “My understanding of people, and my understanding of God has been has been expanded since we’ve been in the military. It’s been a good life.”
Of course, every lifestyle has its trials.
You don’t paint a rosy picture. You’ve got to be real about it,” she said, adding that the expectations are different now than when she was a new military wife. Her husband has been an Army chaplain for more than 20 years.
A couple of recent Spouse Calls columns have been about how to adjust to the life of a military spouse. So I asked Brenda what she would advise new spouses to do.
I encourage them to jump in,” she said. “The best thing for me was to get involved in the unit that my husband was attached to.”
Brenda also suggested taking advantage of all the resources available for military families.
“There are so many great resources out there now,” she said. “What a great thing to have as resources to give us a step up, as far as understanding the (military) culture.”
Brenda suggested three books in particular:
- While They’re At War, by Kristin Henderson
- Help! I’m a Military Spouse – I Get a Life Too by Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer
- “and our little one,” Medals Above my Heart
“Those are three perspectives – from a spiritual, from a social and from the perspective of war,” Brenda said, “a great broad spectrum of reality.”
Faith is key to her approach to the military life, she said.
“As a Christian, I always approach it in the sense, especially if I’m talking to another believer, that whole sense of calling comes in,” said Brenda.
We do believe God is sovereign and he has called our husbands into this work. He has called us too for some reason. He will give us the strength to do what he has called us to do.”
Click here to read more about Brenda at her Web site.
Click here to see Carol's Web site
Losing my wife
I’m not sure why I’m posting this because all that I have done has been wrong in my wife eyes.
Background . I’m a reservist/contractor in Graf Germany who recently returned from a deployment. I dated my now wife for 5 of the 6 years we are together and doing the dating time we both did bad things while being together. I admitted to my wrongs but my now wife always had a reason why what she did was ok. Well she has a friend who lives the Sex in the City type life and my wife has commented on how she did not like the fact this woman was hanging on post looking for Mr. Right, because it gave her a bad name.
Well 6 months after my return and 3 months after my son from a previous marriage moved in, my wife dumps me one week before Xmas. I tried everything to hold on to her and did stupid things also out of anger. No, nothing like domestic violence just words. She seems to not understand how much I did and still do love her and knowing that she is doing the same as her friend hurts more than ever. The military talks about helping troops and they are well aware the suicide rate rising, but being a reservist I have no support after my weekend drill is done. Yes I have tried and still think about ending all this but I have my son who I can’t put through this. Thank God he is here right.
My only escape from this pain is to try to get on another deployment this year with no intent of returning. My wife and I both work on the same base. She CPO and I simulations. Ladies of deployed troops please think about it before you just run like my wife did to me. Is the reason really justified? Is it all about you and not about the marriage? Did you really try to work things out or do you see your friends who are out looking for Mr better and feel you’re missing out on life. While I was away I missed my wife so bad and had to take meds just to sleep. We fought about stupid stuff on the phone but after we hung up I was the loneliest man in the world. We men are hard to make out, but so are woman.
It was 8 Dec 2008 she said that she did not want to be with me anymore and in 1 month time I went from 252 lbs. to 220. I still cant sleep all night and when I wake I wonder what she does. She gets off work on Friday and goes to her secret place and returns on Sunday night. The pain is so bad sometimes I just stop moving. I am willing to be the world’s biggest fool and would take my wife back and still try to make it work.
I know what you all would say. Let her go. She hurt you guys both, but My love for my wife is stronger than my pride. I love my wife. So ladies, if there’s no physical harm or serious verbal abuse please think about it. Does he really Loves you and you just have a hard time believing. I never had a role model and a real family and I protected my feelings all my life. My wife is the only person who knew my fear and 2 weeks after I told her, she did the one thing I feared and protected myself from for so many years.
Keeping your life
Thank you for sharing your painful story. I hope that it is helpful to others in some way. When a spouse walks away, as your wife has done, there really is no choice but to let her go. Although you would choose to mend your marriage -- and that does not make you a "fool" -- she has to make that choice as well.
Until she does, and even if she never does, you need to focus your energy on your own well-being so that you can care for your son. Did you say that you only have medical care when you are on reserve duty? Do you have any other medical insurance for yourself and your son? If you do, then it's possible that you can get counseling under that policy.
Another avenue is to see a chaplain at your base. Even if you do not attend chapel or if you are not on duty as a reservist, the chaplain might be able to counsel you or help you find a counselor, either on or off base. At the chapel you might also find a supportive group of friends who share your faith. A network of support could make a difference in your life. Perhaps the chaplain knows of a singles study group or a divorce/separation support group.
I don't think it's advisable to seek a deployment as a means of escape. Please focus on your son and being the strongest dad you can be for him. It sounds like you have a lot of determination and the will to make good choices in the future.
Sincerely,
Terri
Losing my wife
Yes you’re more than correct. I know it takes two to make this work and it has to be at the same time. I think I’m more let down and hurt than anything else. My wife has made it look to her fellow CPO workers and boss that I’m crazy and out of control. I can see how they would see this so when they look out there windows and the graf MP's are searching my car and filling reports on me. But what they don’t see is a man that truly loves his wife and was trying to hold on to his only dream. I do realize she has to want this too and it’s obvious she does not. I have been to the Chaplain and other counselors and even asked her to come, but the reply is why.
The whole deal is we both hurt each other before the marriage and this is her reason a year and a half later why she is doing this. I feel sometimes she is cheating on me. The week we put our dog to sleep she took off from work and didn’t come home till Monday night and was late for work that morning by 2 and a half hour. I have asked for the truth but I get the answer no. I know a lot of folks here in Graf and vilseck and they have seen my wife abroad but when they bring up things it’s always I don’t want to get involved. I have been advised to take here ID card, hire a PI and turn it into the post commander and get her fired from CPAC but I cant do this. No one seems to realize or see that I take my marriage serious and love my wife no matter. That’s the vows you take, better or worse, good or bad. I’m trying to let my bird fly and pray she returns but the pain of sharing my love is almost too much but I can’t do a thing about it.
I will do what is right for my son, I owe that to him and he is doing well his last year in school. He has made all Europe in wrestling and football for his school and maybe a scholarship. Twice my wife and I was called out to represent my son and twice she was not there. The first time she was signing in her friend so she could check out a guy she liked and the second because she dumped us by then. I can’t see how people can be so heartless now with all that is going on in the world today. Its said love concurs all but Im not believing it. I will stay true to my wife till 8 Dec 2009 and after I sign the papers she has started I don’t know. Once my son is gone to school this fall I will lease soon after.
I’m waiting to attend my school to reclass and after that I’m deployed. I think for me this will be the best. Since the only other family I ever had was the Army. Thanks for your words and they are right, I should let go but its hard when its you who had to do the letting go. I HOPE THE GUYS OUT THERE WILL READ THIS AND LOOK AT THERE WIFE AND SHOW THEM MORE LOVE THEN BEFORE AND THE WOMAN WILL LET THEM WITHOUT THE WALL THAT I HAD TO GO THROUGH FOR 3 YEARS.
This whole situation has killed my hopes and dreams and I feel I have no goals in life to work to. What is my perpose now or when my son is gone. My God show me the way is what I pray every night and that my wife comes back to the man who learned how to love.